It's Yer Valentine's Day Gift List for the Peloton!

The hell with flowers, chocolates, an overpriced dinner at an overpriced restaurant, or that Naughty Nurse outfit you saw in a catalog--our darling peloton could use a *real* token of affection for St. Valentine's Day, and it's up to us to give it to 'em! Ergo:

1. Lance Armstrong: a heart. 'Cause someone's gonna piss 'im off again sometime, and we all know what he does when *that* happens. For the sake of everyone else, someone, give him a heart!

2. Andy Schleck: mojo. The poor boy really, really needs his mojo back. How else can Contador take any pride in kicking his !@# in July?

3. Pat "Dick" McQuaid: a spine. The spine to own up to what he did, whatever it was. The spine to step down. And the spine to respect the sport, the riders, and the fans enough to do it.

4. Marianne Vos: dang, what *do* you give someone who's already won everything she could possibly want? Well then, equal podium babes for the ladies, I say!

5. Johnny Hoogerland: body armor. A light, flexible, comfortable, impenetrable set of full team kit. Nothing says "I love you" like a gift that keeps you in one piece!

6. Purito Rodriguez: a lovely new team and a bangin' new contract. Unless Katusha gets its ProTour license Friday. In which case, Ekimov has to strew rose petals in his path for every single step Rodriguez takes next season. Show him the appreciation he deigned to show you guys this whole time, Eki!

7. Jesus Manzano: a clean bill of health. Jeez, did you *read* that !@#$ he went through at Kelme--no-one, dirty doper or not, deserves that!

8. Mark Cavendish: y'know, he *did* step in for Tom Boonen at the last minute in Qatar, to quite brilliant effect. I mean, the race don't ride itself. Give Cav the green jersey at the Tour!

Well, dear reader(s), them's my sweet wishes for the sport we hold so dear. So pop yourselves some champagne, feel the love, and enjoy the season ahead!

Cav! Fabian! Schleck! Hoogerland! and, Get Yer Red-Hot Lance Memorabilia Here

The Fast 'n' the Furious: yep, this season's sprint wars are already heating up, with Mark Cavendish already bagging Tom Boonen's wins at the Tour of Qatar and happily snarking about leaving the soulless lying corporate robots at Sky behind for the beer-snarfin' Belgian party-boys at Quick Step, Andre Greipel winning pretty much every race he's entered this season, and ever-good-guy Tyler Farrar nearly recovered physically and mentally from his bloody, miserable 2012. A small gripe: I gotta say, we're already kinda putting poor Greipel at an automatic fan disadvantage here in the who-you-gonna-root-for psychological-warfare contest. I mean, Mark "the Manx Missile" just sounds cool, but all Andre gets is the "German Gorilla"? Dang, why not just call him the Big Ol' Leaden Lumpwad whydontcha...

Andy Schleck Is Scr*wed! (So What Else is New): and, no luck *again* for the perpetually-hosed Andy "Jaysus, Can't I Finish Just *One F!@#$in' Race*" Schleck, now thwapped by a respiratory infection outta the Tour of the Mediterranean, tho' there may be some saving grace in that, having apparently threatened to whine Cancellara to death, Spartacus now sez he's still considering riding shotgun for the boy at the Tour de France. Andy, you're a great rider, but even Cancellara can't hold on to your handlebars on the downhills...anyway, feel better quick, so at least you've got a fighting chance in July!

Hoogerland Report: meantime, Johnny "Barbed Wire" Hoogerland is now close to hearing when he's gonna be free from the hospital after his vicious training crash with a car, and, while he's still got five broken ribs, some fractured vertebrae, and a host of other unpleasant wounds, it thankfully appears his liver is not actually as hard-hit as initially thought. Thank goodness for (very) small mercies, Hoogerland--now rest up, get well, and we'll see you back on the bike when you're ready!


And, If You Order Now, We'll Send You a Second One *Free*!: finally, as (insert acronym here) threatens to investigate/not investigate Lance Armstrong if he doesn't/does cooperate with (insert name of guy delusional LA fanboys still hate), it occurred to me, in the midst of the most notorious doping scandal in history, that you might wanna get yer Lance memorabilia before it skyrockets in value, which led me to this: yep, a genuine signed LA magazine is already gonna run you a brutal 8 buckaroos, my friend, so buy now to ensure yer comfortable retirement later! See, Lance, we *do* still care....

Holy Butt-Kiss, Batman--It's the RadioShack Tour de France Roster!

Back in the High Life Again: man, even if they are about to fire 'im, it sure pays to kiss Johan Bruyneel's !@#--nary a week after Chris Horner was left off the preliminary RadioSkank short list, mere days after the canny oldster totally coincidentally came out howling in rabid defense of Lance Armstrong's honor, and just moments since Frank Schleck ran screaming from the prospect of GC team leadership like a--well, like a Schleck--Horner magically gets nominated to the RadioSkank Tour de France squad, with no other potential rival but the now-disfavored Andreas Kloden for road supremacy. More, he managed to pull it off, apparently, without even being forced to deal with Johan actually on-site in July. Damn, there ain't no flies on Horner! And what of ex-Giro headliner/hope-o'-the-future/clueless ingenue Jakob Fuglsang? Yep, vengefully consigned to oblivion,despite a full recovery, for his unforgivable nostalgia for the relative calm and actual, y'know, focus on cycling of Saxo Bank. Now *that's* how you build a harmonious, winning Tour de France squad, kids--dang, bring Armstrong back, find a way to throw Contador under the bus, but totally blow the podium, and it's 2009 all over again! Am I the only one who thinks that somewhere, even good sports Cadel and Wiggo are blitzed outta their minds on champagne right now?

Don't Even Think About It, Hoogerland: okay, Johnny "Barbed Wire" Hoogerland is one tenacious hard-man. And, in addition to continuing to ride when he'd been punched full of more holes than Armstrong's doping denials by a 30-mph flyer into a nest of razor wire, he did earn, and nobly wear, the polka-dot jersey for a hell of a stretch last year. But I got this to say: that's we love Samuel Sanchez' and Euskaltel's climber's jersey dammit, and podium or no podium it's gonna stay that way you punk! Here, let's replay: We love you Johnny, and wish you many stage wins--but aupa, Samu!

Nucular Waste: finally, good luck tomorrow to dashing Pippo Pozzato, who heads before the Italian narcs to defend himself against allegations he sought medical assistance from Lance's own right-hand-man Michele Ferrari. I wouldn't worry, Pippo--just tell 'em you attended a "party" at his offi--uh, "house," and I'm sure that'll work just fine! Oh, well, at least you didn't try to buy dope off the faked-out Vansevenant...

Oh, All *Right*--!@#$ I Missed in the Racejunkie Awards

It's Yer Final 2011 Tour de France Racejunkie Awards!: okay, I stand duly chastised, but it's not every day I'm accused by my faithful reader(s) of not babbling *enough*, and, frankly even with *my* low standards I questioned the good taste of an award to someone who basically survived a terrifying car accident, but between that and a couple 'nother things I left out due to space, here you go:

Your Body Is a Hoogerland Award: this goes, of course, to poor barbed-wired Johnny Hoogerland *and* to Juan Antonio Flecha, who though he did pop back up quickly after all was directly hit by the damn media car before Hoogerland sailed into that hideous fence, and while it's usually Stuey O'Grady wrapped up like a mummy with splints stickin' out of 'im in 14 different directions as he crosses the line, gigantic accolades to both Hoogerland and Flecha for not only sticking it out but actively triumphing, to the tune of the polka dot jersey for Hoogerland no less, with every subsequent attack during the Tour. Here's the dual damage: Let's hope no-one has to get this prize ever again!

Domestique o' 2012 (Yeah, You Read Right): as Alberto Contador's bromance with Bjarne Riis hits the rocks hard as he tells the press on further reflection it's certainly possible to do the Giro-Tour double if YOUR TEAM DOESN'T SUCK, we here at racejunkie are always ready to help, and can't help but note that it's our own dear reader/resident badass Doug who has recently *twice* conquered the Galibier. Look, no-one doubts that Sorensen's an awfully good guy--but Saxo bank just *gave* you a ton of fat-cat dough, Bjarne, now *use* it before Contador !@#damn jumps to Movistar! And I only take a ten percent cut. And maybe that ill-gotten maillot jaune you were so eager to get rid of. And...anyway, congratulations Doug, see you on Eurosport next year!

Happy Happy Joy Joy Prize: Best. Announcer. Reaction. Ever. Go Edvaaaaaaaaaaaaald!

Aussie Fans Kick !@# Award: finally (I mean it), and, in just about the best piece of citizen-journalism I've ever seen, our Phil and Paul of tomorrow weighed in on not only the mind-boggling news that Cadel was about to become the first Aussie ever to win the Tour, and the upcoming weather on the Champs-Elysees, but, most important of all, muffins! Great work, girl--and Versus, you once hired the Trautwig, now *hire* this chick!

So sorry to have pissed y'all off, and in 2012 I swear I'll just yap on no matter how questionably--so no freakin' complainin' next year!