Thursday, February 14, 2013

It's Yer Valentine's Day Gift List for the Peloton!

The hell with flowers, chocolates, an overpriced dinner at an overpriced restaurant, or that Naughty Nurse outfit you saw in a catalog--our darling peloton could use a *real* token of affection for St. Valentine's Day, and it's up to us to give it to 'em! Ergo:

1. Lance Armstrong: a heart. 'Cause someone's gonna piss 'im off again sometime, and we all know what he does when *that* happens. For the sake of everyone else, someone, give him a heart!

2. Andy Schleck: mojo. The poor boy really, really needs his mojo back. How else can Contador take any pride in kicking his !@# in July?

3. Pat "Dick" McQuaid: a spine. The spine to own up to what he did, whatever it was. The spine to step down. And the spine to respect the sport, the riders, and the fans enough to do it.

4. Marianne Vos: dang, what *do* you give someone who's already won everything she could possibly want? Well then, equal podium babes for the ladies, I say!

5. Johnny Hoogerland: body armor. A light, flexible, comfortable, impenetrable set of full team kit. Nothing says "I love you" like a gift that keeps you in one piece!

6. Purito Rodriguez: a lovely new team and a bangin' new contract. Unless Katusha gets its ProTour license Friday. In which case, Ekimov has to strew rose petals in his path for every single step Rodriguez takes next season. Show him the appreciation he deigned to show you guys this whole time, Eki!

7. Jesus Manzano: a clean bill of health. Jeez, did you *read* that !@#$ he went through at Kelme--no-one, dirty doper or not, deserves that!

8. Mark Cavendish: y'know, he *did* step in for Tom Boonen at the last minute in Qatar, to quite brilliant effect. I mean, the race don't ride itself. Give Cav the green jersey at the Tour!

Well, dear reader(s), them's my sweet wishes for the sport we hold so dear. So pop yourselves some champagne, feel the love, and enjoy the season ahead!

1 comment:

Jez Andrews said...

This more like a wizard of Oz list surely. We're off to see the wizard the wonderful wizard of UCI. Now that would be a bizzare film.