Wednesday, February 06, 2013

Cav! Fabian! Schleck! Hoogerland! and, Get Yer Red-Hot Lance Memorabilia Here

The Fast 'n' the Furious: yep, this season's sprint wars are already heating up, with Mark Cavendish already bagging Tom Boonen's wins at the Tour of Qatar and happily snarking about leaving the soulless lying corporate robots at Sky behind for the beer-snarfin' Belgian party-boys at Quick Step, Andre Greipel winning pretty much every race he's entered this season, and ever-good-guy Tyler Farrar nearly recovered physically and mentally from his bloody, miserable 2012. A small gripe: I gotta say, we're already kinda putting poor Greipel at an automatic fan disadvantage here in the who-you-gonna-root-for psychological-warfare contest. I mean, Mark "the Manx Missile" just sounds cool, but all Andre gets is the "German Gorilla"? Dang, why not just call him the Big Ol' Leaden Lumpwad whydontcha...

Andy Schleck Is Scr*wed! (So What Else is New): and, no luck *again* for the perpetually-hosed Andy "Jaysus, Can't I Finish Just *One F!@#$in' Race*" Schleck, now thwapped by a respiratory infection outta the Tour of the Mediterranean, tho' there may be some saving grace in that, having apparently threatened to whine Cancellara to death, Spartacus now sez he's still considering riding shotgun for the boy at the Tour de France. Andy, you're a great rider, but even Cancellara can't hold on to your handlebars on the downhills...anyway, feel better quick, so at least you've got a fighting chance in July!

Hoogerland Report: meantime, Johnny "Barbed Wire" Hoogerland is now close to hearing when he's gonna be free from the hospital after his vicious training crash with a car, and, while he's still got five broken ribs, some fractured vertebrae, and a host of other unpleasant wounds, it thankfully appears his liver is not actually as hard-hit as initially thought. Thank goodness for (very) small mercies, Hoogerland--now rest up, get well, and we'll see you back on the bike when you're ready!

And, If You Order Now, We'll Send You a Second One *Free*!: finally, as (insert acronym here) threatens to investigate/not investigate Lance Armstrong if he doesn't/does cooperate with (insert name of guy delusional LA fanboys still hate), it occurred to me, in the midst of the most notorious doping scandal in history, that you might wanna get yer Lance memorabilia before it skyrockets in value, which led me to this: yep, a genuine signed LA magazine is already gonna run you a brutal 8 buckaroos, my friend, so buy now to ensure yer comfortable retirement later! See, Lance, we *do* still care....

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