Oh, For !@#$'s *Sake*: In Which I Solve All This Stupid Doping !@#$

Look, particularly now that it's *racing* season, I'm getting deeply irked with all the drug drama suckin' up the headlines. But it's so damn incessant you can't just ignore it--it almost feels dishonest, somehow. So here's one all-encompassing proposal, so we can all get back to loving actual cycling in peace:

1. No, *Indurain* doped? I *get* it. They almost all doped. They're almost all dirtbags, and frankly, Big Mig, Pantani, Cipo, Contador, and all those guys are *still* gonna stay national heroes no matter how much evidence you pile up in front of everybody, so quit wastin' yer breath, suck it up, and move *on* already! And yes, "just" doping *is* different from being a whistleblower-intimidating, bullying, omerta-enforcing goonmeister, so no, both remaining fanboys, Lance *doesn't* get a pass.

2. Still, that doesn't mean some sincere repentance isn't in order. You alive? You doped? You think you beat a clean guy? Give him some dough, hand over the jersey, and apologize. Same to anyone else who gets busted now, with the addition of handing over all the proceeds from yer ill-gotten lucrative endorsement deals. Bonus points if you offer to let 'im kick your !@#. There--done!

3. It's awesome that Mellow Johnny's is giving equal prize money to men and women's mountain bike race winners, and running a great race to boot. But Lance--you're still a !@#$.

4. Anyone who says they paid a doping doc, particularly a gyno, just for "medical" or "training advice" is presumptively a lying sack of crap. Next guy who claims it has to get a full-on annual gynecological exam to prove it's legit. Gentlemen, start your speculums!

5. Anyone who doped and admitted it--great. It's a true service to cycling. Now *shut the hell up* about your poor tormented soul !@#dammit!

6. Any !@#wad directeur sportif who arranged for his riders to dope with medically inept or negligent dip!@#$s gets to have the same procedure done to him/herself. Not to worry, it's all perfectly safe--right?

7. "I only doped until [exact date statute of limitations ran out or lucrative subsequent contract kicked in]." Give us a break already!

8. Face it, if we eliminate all the DSes doped, or had their riders dope, there won't be anyone who knows diddly-squat left to even run the sport. 'Fess up, then shut up--you're in. So Vaughters or (gack) Riis--congratulations. Eki and the rest of you clowns--you're fired.

9. Teams--you're just as disgusting. Rider gets punished, team gets punished. Bet you'll know who your boys are seeing in the off-season *then*!

10. Fellow fans--sadly, people are still doping. Hopefully not as much at the moment, but doping. The narcs *just* developed a new test to detect microdosing? Party on peloton! Am I the *only* one pissed in advance we're gonna have to go through all this 5 years from now, *again*?

So let it be written, so let it be done with. Now let's get on to the fabulous Strade Bianche, and Cancellara--time to show your form!