I Just Said You *Suck*, Not That I Don't Need Your Worthless Lazy Carcass on a Bike in July

Naughty Number Nine: don't worry about that purported "bad blood" between the Schleck brothers and Johan Bruyneel: one, it ain't just "purported," but two, they're stuck together in a contract through 2014 anyway! Bruyneel has, however, in a goodwill gesture to Andy Schleck, clarified his earlier remark that Fabian Cancellara's the only one guaranteed a Tour spot in July--due to a "mistranslation," what he *meant* was Andy blows, but RadioSkank needs any dead weight they can get on the tarmac to meet the Tour-squad minimum of nine men in July. Well, apparently that "wounded knee" bull!@#$ ain't getting much sympathy! Geez, Johan, this "tough love" thing is clearly just not working with a sensitive guy like Andy who's so used to being coddled, snuggled, wheedled and adored by his swooning entourage--why not just toss 'im to the curb for the Tour and let Jens Voigt take his place instead, doesn't Jens personally qualify as like 8 normal riders under the official UCI guidelines anyway?

Trade Ya! (Don't Do It Alberto!): of course, this could all be a moot point if the reports in the Italian mediaare true that Bjarne Riis and Johan might be swapping out Alberto for the Schlecks on each others' squad, and while I appreciate Bjarne's sentimentality towards his old charges on the one hand and Alberto's understandable desire for more backup firepower on the other, I gotta call bull!@#$--are you freakin' *nuts*, Alberto? Why not ask Bruyneel to kick your !@# off the peak of Mont Ventoux and get the inevitable end to this theoretical nightmare over with now? And Johan, while we're at it, get over it. You will never, never, never find another Lance. Not even Alberto, who had the incredible temerity to not want to be treated like garbage when he was winning you the Tour and probably could've been your next immortal perfect love if you hadn't botched it so badly when your ex came waltzing back to the peloton. So live with the options you got now, and treat your current GC prospects like they're a step above dog--y'know--already!

Wiggo Lays It Down: meantime, over at the Dauphine, as a polite Cadel plays down his chances and even Miguel Indurain can't peg a favorite for July, Evans and Wiggo are still looking like the biggest threats for the Tour de France, and Samuel "holy crap he's the defending polka-dot jersey!" Sanchez, I note, is clearly going to be in a perfect position to take it again this year despite his rib-smushing earlier crash (shut up! go to hell!), because he still managed to come in only a half-minute down or so on Andy Schleck on that last stage. Oh man, it *is* lookin' sad for that boy, isn't it...maybe he *oughta* go back to Bjarne after all! Here, Samu' toughs it out: Bow before him and Euskaltel, you weaklings!