Thursday, June 21, 2012

Ask And Ye Shall Receive: It's Yer Hit Parade of Cycling's Biggest !@#holes!

Okay, the national champions are being declared, the Tour de France rosters are out, and the Olympic teams are shaping up. But when a dear reader suggests a "Hit Parade" of the biggest wankers in cycling, who am I to refuse? Ergo, without further ado:

1. Lance Armstrong. One of the greatest cyclists of all time? Sure. An inspiration to millions for his triumph over cancer and awareness work? Yup. A grade-A primo !@#hole? Absolutely. Let's see. Your domestiques utterly bust their nuts for you all year, every year, at the complete expense of their own ambitions, so you can go down in history. And how do you thank 'em? Well, you spend the rest of your career ripping anyone who leaves your service; plow over anyone who breaks cycling's eternal shame of omerta; offer 1 single guy the chance for a Tour de France stage win after 7 seasons; and, the one time you're actually called on to play nice with a (now) better rider than you, slag him to the press, attack him on the road, and snub him on the podium. And that's just the people you're supposed to *like.* You're the most prolific Tour de France winner of all time, all right--too bad that don't win you class!

2. Johan Bruyneel. You're a Tour champ in your own right, and you brilliantly guided--by whatever means--the winningest streak in Tour de France history. And you've never stopped punishing those who came after him for it, including actively publicly berated the man who won you the Tour de France *again.* But when motivation-by-dope-slap failed? *That's* when you really got mean. How's that karma comin' back atcha right about now?

3. Pat "Dick" McQuaid. Doping's bad. Really bad. Especially if you're a no-name rider. Unless I like the rider. Then it's just a momentary lapse of judgment. Or didn't happen. Oh heck, why hurt the sport with all this tawdry mess? And if you apologize--better, cry--only after you've been busted, then you are not only morally superior but an absolute ambassador for clean sport. This, Pat, is why one of the most policed sports on earth is also one of the most ridiculed. Just *fake* some freakin' objectivity if you have to, willya?

4. Riccardo Ricco'. Y'know, I almost left him off the list out of the goodness of my heart, because he did almost accidentally kill himself with his fecklessness. But then I thought of his snotty disregard for his loyal teammates, the way he disgraced the mentorship of the great Gilberto Simoni, how he hid behind his mamma's skirts like some spindly wussbag, how he (dang, we're not done *yet*?) immediately threw the mother of his child under the bus and literally fled for the hills when *she* got busted for doping, and finally, the way he betrayed the anti-doping legacy of the late, great Italian trainer Aldo Sassi, who tried to rehab the ungrateful little SOB in one of the last acts of his professional life, and I thought, screw that! The "Cobra"? Yeah, you're a snake all right--there, you've earned your place in cycling history, you jack!@#!

5. Floyd Landis. I must say, I *was* a big fan once, so it truly pains me to do this. And he's repented and paid his dues, which is good, *and* smacked Armstrong, which I heartily appreciate. But the Floyd Fairness Fund was one uncool scam, and you took advantage of some really, really nice people. Better to just pull a Vinokourov, admit you're a slimeball, but point out you're no worse'n anybody else and why the hell should *you* be the scapegoat--and *then* ask for the dough. Hisssssssssssss!

6. Raimundo Rumsas. Telling the narcs you tested poz for coke because your grandma accidentally bought you some tainted candy in South America? Hey, could happen to anybody. Telling the narcs the dope in your trunk was for your drug-snarfin' grandmother's personal use? Punk-!@#. I suppose she explains the testosterone works-patches in your bathroom, too?

7. Dr. Manolo "Gyno to the Male Stars" Saiz. You got busted with a suitcase full o' cash and 46 bloodbags at a cafe'. And Roberto Heras made you do it? Man up you greedy dope-dealing wuss!

8. Maurice Garin. It's the 1904 Tour de France. 2,429 kilometers. Six stages, one mountain, five flat. Attacks by masked men, mysterious flats, illegal food, nails spread on the road. And one *really* major wanker: 1903 and 1904 GC champ Maurice Garin, DQd along with the next 4 finishers for taking a train. You think Landis/Pereiro and Contador/Schleck were big deals? Two words, honey: amateur hour. After extensive evidentiary hearings, 5th place finisher Henri Cornet is awarded the win. Great precedent you started there, Garin!

And, Yer Bonus Gallery of !@#holian Gestures!
1. Lance Armstrong, Floyd Landis, Brasstown Bald, "the Look." Is it *possible to win without being a jerk?
2. Dagnabit, Cav at the Tour de Romandie. Not sporting, old sport!
3. Alberto Contador. Every freakin' win. Do you *want* McQuaid to keep suckin' you dry like a vampire bat after every stage? Cut it with the "Pistolero" crap!

Well, folks, them's my picks, and I'm sure I missed *some* spectacular jerkwads. So 'til next week, when Johan throws someone under the bus again--that's all (mine) folks!

1 comment:

Doug said...

Well at least nobody has taken the train lately. (that we know of)