Sunday, June 03, 2012

It's the Try-Out for the Tour de France, Baby!

Lookin' Good...Uh, Some of You: yes, the traditional Tour de France trying grounds, the Dauphine', is upon us, the brief prologue is complete, and a few things are clear: Wiggo (second at 1 second back) and Cadel (a respectable 9th at 5) look mighty fine, and Andy Schleck...well, let's just suggest that at 102nd at 28 back, and with all the time trial miles at the upcoming Tour, Johan Bruyneel's not exactly gonna be crackin' a champagne bottle for his maillot jaune hopeful unless it's over his !@#damn head. Add to that this race's parcours including a 53k time trial on stage 4 and a weird downhill finish on what could otherwise be an Andy-friendly stage to Morzine, and Schleckino's boss-man ain't likely to be happy ahead of July. Head for the hills, Andy, *now*--at least in those, you're supposed to be able to outrun 'im!

A Humble Proposal: and, I see there's been just a raft of UCI "whereabouts violations" this year, and for the simple error of intentionally avoiding a wholly-deserved drug te--uh, accidentally forgetting to call into their nannies every six seconds--it seems to me a lot of people are getting awa--uh, wrongfully accused of nefarious acts against morality. My solution: the Official Racejunkie Electric Dog-Collar Tracking Machine! Yes, under the fair and sensible control of Noble Crusader and Exemplar of All Fairness Pat "Dick" McQuaid himself, strap one of these puppies on the latest crop o' suspect riders, let 'em just try one impromptu secret trip to, say, Dr. Ferrari's place for a "barbecue", and zappo!--your rider stays safely put under the known, tender and entirely lawful ministrations of his own team docs. Wait a minute...

Yer Heartwarming Sacrifice of the Week: finally, big thanks to fervent anti-cheating advocate David Millar, who, despite some petty suggestions that a single silly doping poz you're ever so grateful occurred to cleanse your conscience oughta nonetheless keep one outta the unimpeachable Olympics, has announced himself reluctantly at the British Olympics team's disposal, if only to help Cav and set an example for the impressionable kiddies. Y'know, it's things like this that restore my faith in humanity. Landis, maybe we'll finally see you back in action this year!


PJ said...

Bruyneel should have been nicer to Contador. Sometimes we just don't know when we have a good thing.

racejunkie said...

So true. I think he should crawl on his knees begging Alberto to come back--just so we can watch Alberto say no!