What the !@#$ Are You Doing to Thor Hushovd, You Twisted Goon Pervert Freaks?!

Bow, Garmin!: okay, the truth is out: Thor Hushovd doesn't like Jonathan Vaughters' tactics, he doesn't like this "figure it out on the road" !@#$, *and*, worst of all, he doesn't feel like he's getting the support he needs. What the !@#$, Garmin, the man is not only we love Thor Hushovd, he's !@#$in' world champion for !@#$'s sake! Y'know, I actually admire Vaughters a lot--not least because I love Tyler Farrar, who's a real class act--but !@#dammit, man, if Thor says so, it must be true! Here, pal, *look* who you're squandering----now get your freakin' act together and pay him the homage (and dough) he deserves, or suck it in the flaming smoking depths of hell for all eternity!

Brutt Force: my, that was one sturdy win in freezing miserable rainy conditions by quiet Pavel Brutt at the Tour of Romandie--almost as cool as young Jonathan "Holy Crap a Euskaltel Rider Just Won a Prologue!" Castroviejo taking his first professional win in the prologue over the bad-!@# likes of Taylor Phinney, and even cooler than Damiano Cunego picking himself up out of a season-long funk to take the stage today. In less happy--and in fact darned near terrifying--Romandie news, reformed pinup Ivan Basso got clocked right in the kisser with a kicked-up rock, causing the poor boy to literally see stars and, even worse, busting the tooth of one of the comeliest faces in all of cycling. Don't worry, Ivan--I'm sure they can fix it, and you're still really, really pretty! Oh wait, that's your hot sister. Well, you're still really, really pretty too!

The US Takes Down Lance Armstr...um, Mr. Ed: pack it in, Novitzky, there's bigger game than some podunk 7-time Tour de France winner to go after--yes, a United States Senator has decided to take on the scourge of desperate thoroughbreds snorting through their stud-fee trust funds in search of EPO, HGH, Clenbuterol, or whatever's the Next Big Thing. Dang, boys, why not just hook up with the Spanish peloton (allegedly!)--can you say "group discounts"?

Watch Yer !@#, Cav!: finally, if I were the very fine Mark Cavendish, and plotting my next gratuitous press dope-slap to whatever poor sap irks me that day, I'd be getting ready to eat some humble pie, honey--yep, the spawn of legendary leg-crusher Erik Zabel is already well on his way to beating the stuffing out of darn near everyone, and the big-boy peloton can't be far away. Clock's ticking, Cav--enjoy it while it lasts, big guy!