Thursday, April 14, 2011

Time for Amstel Gold, Baby!

Yer Pre-Race Roundup and Carnage Report: yes, with Roubaix in the rear-view and Quick Step's Patrick "Pay Cut" Lefevere suddenly realizing that his own lucrative career is !@#$ed if he lets Tom Boonen defect to another squad, it's time to move on to Amstel Gold and, soon, Liege, baby, but one guy who won't be at Amstel is poor we love Cadel Evans, whose bruised femur is keeping out of his (largely support, because he's not an !@#hat) role in the weekend's festivities. Get well soon Cadel! Still on tap for Liege: Damiano "Mr. Clean" Cunego, implicated in the latest Italian doping investigation of mostly-Lampre boys but passionately defended by the hometown press. Dang, I *knew* that last tattoo of his was tryin' to tell us something!

You're Goin' Down, Scarponi!: and, in hot Italian doping news, I see the narcs descended on the once-disreputable-and-lately-pretty-freakishly-impressive Michele Scarponi, bagging the notorious performance-enhancing drugs, um, powdered milk, a common legal anti-inflammatory, and Enervit bars. Blood-doping my !@#--you turn up with a packet of Swiss Miss hot chocolate next time, and we are gonna *fry* you, sucker!

Reason No. 8,140,398 Why Jens Voigt Is a God: really, is there anyone with half a brain--and I proudly count myself among such stellar company--who *doesn't* acknowledge the great Jens as a higher life-form than we mere lowly plebeian ground-dwelling spuds? This time, it's because Jens directed a big fat thank-you to the smashing--and often borderline deranged--Basque (and ergo Euskaltel) fans for their bitchin' support over the years. Clearly, the rabid Basque tifosi--already rooting for the best climbers on earth (shut up! I still love Iban! shut up!)--rock on two fronts. Woo-hoo Jens and the orange army--and bow, beeyotches!

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