The 2009 Giro d'Italia Awards

All right, folks, the 100th Giro d'Italia has come to a close, and I have a whole year to remember this year's glorious corsa rosa, simmer with loathing and resentment recalling the stuff that ticked me off, and ponder what sordid surprises await us next year. 'Til then, here's one last, loving look at the Best Race On The Planet Except Maybe The Vuelta:

Catastrophic Commentary Loss Award: okay, universalsports. I know it's a !@#damn miracle that anyone's even broadcasting the Giro in the US, so you do get points for that. But if I'm doomed to a race w/o Phil and Paul, kindly remind the oafs you hire that by day 21 they should have at least have figured out the basic identifying details of the riders they're looking at when they are absolutely alone in the start house. Big hint: the guys in Disney-princess turquoise and pink are NOT LIQUIGAS. Jeez, do you clowns even know who won the race?

All-Freakin'-Right-Already Prize: I hear ya. He's riding. Honest. We are now fully and nauseatingly aware of the single least important issue in Giro d'Italia history. A big shout-out to anyone who can surmise who we're talking about!

Step Away From the Microphone Award: I get it, Cav. Garmin's argyle army bet the farm on the team time trial, and lost. To you. HA-HA! Classy. Your bailing after !@#$-slapping every other rider at the Giro for 'dishonoring' it unlike you: even classier. Can't someone read this squalling baby a story and put him to bed already?

Mountain Mama/Take Me Home Prize: what else is there to say about the more, well, pulchritudinous stages that both my faithful readers haven't listened to me whine about 'til their ears bled already? Aiiiiggggghhhhhhh!

Sissy-boy Media Slap-Fight o' the Giro: Lance protests race. Press excoriates Lance. Lance cuts off press. Press stops covering Lance Armstrong's Twitter feed. Nyeah nyeah, nyeah nyeah nyeah! Next salvo: Lance deliberately smacks scoop of gelato off Gazzetta dello Sport reporter's ice-cream cone. Oh, snap!

Best Media Insult (And Sadly, It's True): Cristiano Gatti in Il Giornale: Di Luca is Menchov's "most faithful and precious domestique." Ouch!

And Speaking of Whom, the Rabid Chihuahua Anklebiter Award: grrrr...grrrr...yip yip yip....grrrr...yip! Down, Danilo, down--ow, that latest tiny attack *hurts*!

Crash o'the Race: hands down, Pedro Horrillo's hideous flyer down the Body-Crunching Ravine of Rock-Laden Doom. You cyclists are masochists, man. Get well soon, Pedro!

You Get What You Pay For (Or Not) Prize: oh yeah, baby, this one's for Liquigas. Um, not to discount the fact that St. Ivan of Varese promises to kick !@# in a Vuelta the Italians have no interest in even watching, or that it's vastly preferable that the boy lose clean than win dirty, but oughtn't you maybe have invested all that dough and all those scarce domestique resources in the curly-locked Adonis who actually podiumed?

The Where-Is-He-Now Golden File Cabinet Trophy: no, not Gibo, go to hell--Damiano Cunego. More than one of these stages suited him fine--where *was* he?

Magical Mystery Tour Award: it's the end of the entire race, and no doping scandal yet? Don't tell me that just because no-one's dimwitted enough to use CERA this season that certain riders weren't one with a passel of medical equipment that'd make a fully equipped ER look like a punk-!@# toddler's toy doctor kit. Guesses, anyone?

Gratuitous We Love Carlos Sastre Holler o' the Race: okay, I couldn't really think of an award for him. Maybe that he's not a petty wank like Cavendish?...but that doesn't seem to personally reflect our hero. Still, nice stages there Carlos--woo-hoo!

Jump-Out-Of-Your-Seat-Screaming Moment o' the Race: boy, poor Pedro Horrillo had this one nailed, but if you freaked like I freaked, then who but Denis Menchov should grab it definitively only 900 meters from the end of the entire corsa rosa? Here's the Rabobank boys losing it (thanks Velonews!):


And Finally, Primal Scream Therapy Award: Menchov, of course, just after he crosses the line. Anyone else think he was gonna bite the head off a live chicken like Ozzy Osbourne and spit it out onto Pat "Dick" McQuaid in triumph? Talk about missed opportunities!

Well Giro fans, that's about all I'm sure any of us can take for this year, which means there's only one, count 'em one, full month before we have to watch Lance completely screw over Alberto Contador, Levi Leipheimer, *and* Andreas Kloden in the Tour. Enjoy the respite while it lasts, and remember--only 11 more months til May!