Incoming!

Weapons of Mass Give-Me-the-Munchies: so I see ex-world downhill champ Missy "the Missile" Giove's been busted by the federalesafter they seized more'n 200 pounds of marijuana from a truck she was driving in upstate New York, and t'aint lookin' good for a light sentence: the narcs, taking over from an earlier driver, completed the handover and followed Missy as she dropped off the goods at a friend's house. Oh, those wacky stoner mountain bikers--don't they know they'd get off so much easier just dealing smaller quantities of the hard stuff to the roadies?

Speaking of Being on Drugs: and, in the wake of some skepticism over the efficacy of the UCI's bio-passport, Anne Gripper sticks to her story that the worst of the scum are already gone, leading to the obvious question: so only the lamest sub-domestiques in the peloton are doping, and even that doesn't help 'em halfway compete against the perfectly-clean top riders? Riiiiiigggggttttt. Meantime, several top cyclists, asked about her remarks, reportedly "laughed their asses off," "popped open some champagne," then "excused themselves to go to a doctor's appointment." Yep, I'm confident ol' Anne's spot-on!

He's Hosed: so, Alberto, after Valverde promised to help you fend off Lance's inevitable attacks at the Tour, Astana stopped paying you for months, and Caisse d' Epargne had a perfect spot just waiting for you if Alejandro stays out and if only you'd had the guts to go after it, not only has responsible good guy and your natural ally Luis Leon Sanchez gallantly offered to step up to leadership at his squad after all, but Lance has just told Velonews unequivocally that he is going to the race to win. Okay, the prospect of Astana eating its young in July is highly appealing, if only because that's the only way in hell Klodi's gonna be allowed within 800 miles of the podium, and I'm still pissed at you and the rest of your twerp-like ilk for getting out of Liberty Seguros alive while we love Joseba Beloki went down. But since you became so horribly oppressed by that tool Johan I have been kinder to you, and this is the stupidity you continue to pursue? Oh, Alberto--don't say you weren't warned!

Schleck!: in even lousier Tour news, Frank Schleck is now in doubt for the Tour from a bum knee, which, much as I hate to, I can't help but wonder means "I have a bum knee," or "I have a bum knee because someone's just found old photos of me getting a blood transfusion." Either way, get well soon Frank--we all know it can't be true, anyhow!

Dese Two Suits: meantime, our two dissolute heroes Alejandro "I Heart Blood Bags" Valverde and Tom "Didja See Those Lab Reports Saying I Coulda Got the Coke From My Hair Gel?" Boonen are both back in the ol' courtroom again, "Piti" to beg CAS to order the Italians to let him cross the border so's he can ride the Tour, and Tommeke in the far more justifiable quest to be let in on the grounds that (1) even the UCI isn't whining about his drug use and (2) everybody just plain likes him anyway. Too bad for the French they're taking such a hard line on doping all of a sudden--after all, how else is one of their riders ever gonna win?

Radio Ga-Ga: finally, seemingly in response to complaints that race radios are a supense-destroying candy-!@# crutch for strategic dimwits, the Tour has announced that it's gonna try two stages radio-free this year, and while I'm stoked that this'll set up some genuine thrillers, to me the bigger question is which of the obedient robots that half the boys have become are gonna actually manage to think and act for themselves without their heads literally exploding into feathery bits and let 'em take the stage. Aw, where's a canny guy like Bettini when you need 'im?