Who Gives About Astana's Tour Roster, Michael Jackson is Dead!

Okay, I Still Give, But I *Am* Traumatized: yes, in a promo right out of a testosterone-stoked summer action flick, and not coincidentally guaranteed to make the Americans look even more like a bunch of arrogant imperialist !@#!@#$# than we already do despite the fact that the team's technically Kazakh, Astana has announced its team roster, and all I can say is, *what*? Okay, Contador got his Paulinho (tho' he lost Noval) and Johan sez he's "earned the right" to be the "leader." And Lance, mourning Horner (which he's right to do, as one Horner, even ten minutes after getting run over by a truck, is still stronger than a half-dozen other riders put together), sez he's not the leader of the team. But let's review Johan's video masterpiece, shall we? Lance is--and I doubt it's just cause "Armstrong" comes first in the alphabet--right on top. And frankly, I cannot come up with a single freakin' reason that any rider, much less Lance, would ride the Tour de France after 7 straight wins only to come back as maybe a stage winner but definitively a lowly domestique water-!@#$%. Seriously, can you? Incomprehensible. Which means one of two things: (1) Armstrong's soul has been taken over by Andreas Kloden's agonizingly subservient hopelessly beaten-down ego, or (2) he's gonna fight it out with that rugrat Alberto in July no matter what this he's-a-jolly-good-fellow crap he's posting. Really, Johan hates to lose and all, and hardly ever does--but if he's gotta back one of 'em, who the hell else is he gonna pick? Oh, Alberto, you could've looked so pretty in baby-blue-and-orange...

The Longo and Winding Road: speaking of France, lest anyone think I've been ignoring all the national championships, which I have, Jeannie Longo, already just past the half-century mark, has yet again stomped a field of stellar cyclists less than half her age and taken the French time trial title, again. See, we-love-and-I'm-afraid-you're-gonna-call-it-a-day-in-the-near-future Jens? No need for you to retire anytime soon, you're just a *baby*!

Get Over Yourself, Cavendish!: and, in the (incredibly small) "sprinters who aren't wankers" category, the smashing Thor Hushovd has extended his gig with Cervelo for another 2 years, which does beg the question randie raised, how could a team with such refined and impeccable taste diss a multiple Tour de France stage winner like the great (if ever-unheralded) Simon Gerrans? You just better not do anything to hose over Sastre next year, weasels!

Livin' On the Edge: meantime, poor Tom Boonen now doesn't get to learn his Tour fate until next Tuesday, which gives him plenty of time to destroy himself psychologically particularly as, if his handlers have any sense, they're going to have to chain the boy to a tree like a dog to keep him from cheering himself up at the club between now and then. Hold it together Tommeke--these money-grubbing publicity sluts have got to let you and your big babelicious news-generating carcass in the race!

Requiescat in Pace: finally, in memory of Michael, let's have a moment of silence, and then 3 minutes of boogie (replete with cutting-edge special effects and, best of all of course, Tito) in The Gloved One's pre-perv days of course: