Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Guess Who's Coming To Dinner? (Because He Sure As Heck Ain't Going to the Tour)

Yoooooooouuuuuu'rrrrreeee Out!: yes, with the Italians still objecting to Valverde's presence on their sainted untainted soil, and even the Spaniards finally suggesting they might be a little suspicious of their national hero, Caisse d'Epargne has bowed to the inevitable and, before our boy even had the chance to shove this farce down CAS' throat, announced he's officially yanked from the Tour de France. Even worse, it looks like poor jacked Alberto Contador actually managed to completely blow his own salvation *twice*, as he was apparently also in talks with Oh My God You Could Have Ridden With Garmin And You Still Put Your Faith In Lance's Right Arm Johan Bruyneel?, and failed at that as well. Y'know, as a legal geek, I sincerely and wholeheartedly believe that breaching a contract is a terrible thing, and I admire your taking the moral high ground, or perhaps simply wallowing in the pit of naivete, in sticking with Astana while they refused to pay you for months. But as a cycling fan, I have to ask, what the !@#$ were you thinking, you nit?! And I thought no one on that squad could actually be hosed worse than dear little Klodi....

Tom Boonen Dance Party: so, the court is due to rule on a demoralized Tom Boonen's Tour de France entrance, and I gotta say, while yes, coke bad, the sprints'll be boring as hell--except for the ones Thor Hushovd wins, and subject also to Mark Cavendish's ravenous unstoppable egomaniacal post-race ravings, as well--without our sweet repentant hellraised there too. Oh well Tommeke, if you can't get a gig riding your bike, you can always get on with your pinup career!

Saxo-n, Saxo-ff: in positive, non-doping related Tour news (and we might as well be grateful while it lasts), however, Frank Schleck's knee is on the mend, as he, baby bro-savant Andy, and real time triallist Fabian Cancellara, in addition to Bjarne's usual cadre of breakaway-crushing superdomestiques, are ready to hit the roads of France. Okay, I still deeply dislike Bjarne for so rudely wanking at we love Carlos Sastre--but if Astana's just gonna destroy itself with infighting, who *wouldn't* at a minimum halfway root for the Schlecks?

One Way/Or Another/I'm Gonna Find Ya/I'm Gonna Getcha Getcha Getcha Getcha: and, just in time to highlight the incredible dearth of actual doping controls during the centenary Giro d'Italia, which must just have been a wholly inadvertent oversight, come the we-really-mean-it-this-year narcs at the Tour de France to announce a snazzy new test that's guaranteed to get the latest and hottest drugs on the market, which means that since they won't be looking for the old-school faves so closely I guess, everyone can just revert back a few years and imbibe without fear. Don't worry AFLD--no matter how many scandals yostill have, ya can't look any worse than you did last year/the year before/the year before, right?

A Lawsuit by Any Other Name Would Smell As Sweet: meantime, Tuttobici is asserting that Olympic silver medalist/accused cheat-scum Davide Rebellin may actually be innocent, proving definitively that (1) we must always be mindful of the possibility that the allegedly dirty may in fact be clean and (2) in any event, the Italians as a whole can't possibly be more drug-stuffed than the Spanish. Go get 'em, Davide--and Simoni, didn't you also suffer significant economic and emotional distress damages when his help was unjustly denied to you in this year's Giro?

Escape From Alcatraz: finally, I see the Dumbest Thief in All of Human History has been sentenced to 3 (gnurk!) years in prison for stealing The Most Incredibly Recognizable Bike In the Known Universe, which, you'll all be sorry to hear, you could have been the one to buy instead of the cheapskate moron who got it if only you'd been willing to shell out less than most of y'all spend on Gu packets in a week. Come on, I believe in both my faithful readers' impeccable honesty...but like NEITHER of you would've wanted to stash the thing behind a pile of crap in your basement and just sneak down to pet it once in a while?


Mary said...

Well, heck - if I'd known it was going for only $200 I'd have snapped it right up! ;-)

Um, of course just so I could turn it over to the proper authorities. Of course. Well, maybe after a couple of short rides and a few photos...

Mary said...

And, oh yes, I am SO looking forward to this year's Tour! It sounds like it is going to be just as soap-tastastic as we all imagined when Lance announced his return.

Yeah, I'm excited for the riding, and want to see what Carlos/Cervelo and CVV/Garmin have up their sleeves, and to see the battle between Astana and Saxo. But, if that is going to fizzle with an Astana inter-squad slap fight, I'll be very disappointed. I'm hoping that Astana can bicker among themselves, give pissy comments at press conferences, but still storm the Tour in retribution for last year's screwing over.

(But, yes - yay Schleck bros! Love their teamwork!)

Simon said...

$200 for armstrongs bike!!!! what a fool indeed. Anyway I'm looking forward to watching Astana this tour Contador is one of my favorite riders I just hope that all this mess doesnt mess up his chances


randie said...

I'd like to have a little whinge about Cervelo (the team, not the bikes.) What's with leaving Gerrans at home? That sucks. He won a stage last eyar for crying out loud!