Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Take That, You Dirty Rats!

Not That Anyone Cares: yes, the UCI has finally come out with its Really Impressive List of Earth-Shakingly Important Cheaters, and what shocking names does it include? Right, no-one you, their mamas, the cycling feds, or even their teams particularly care about. But boy, does this warn the riders off the cheap stuff--you clearly gotta be a big-budget big-shot to afford the goods that'll keep you off the hook! Thanks for the heads-up, UCI--anyone else seeing a rash of, say, unusually large home-equity loans in some cyclists' imminent futures?

Break Out the Vino! (Tho' Not Til the Tour's Over, I Guess): in actual riders-who-(used to)-matter news, the exquisitely sociopathic Alexander Vinokorouv has learned his one year ban by the Kazakhs has been extended to two years that're almost up anyway, so while our national hero will miss this year's Tour and thus sadly the chance to create the most spectacular intra-team chaos since, well, he personally bushwhacked Ullrich at T-Mobile, he will, it appears, be all set to destroy morale, all previous climbing-speed records, and any semblance of fair play at this year's Vuelta. *Must* I ask yet again that that spectacular race not be the dumping ground for every Tour-rejected bottom-dwelling skankbag in the peloton? Oh, Samu' Sanchez, you deserve so much more worthy competition than such classless flotsam...

Oh, Fer Heck's Sake: yes, USADA has taken a strong stand against immorality and for total pointlessness, as, after Tyler Hamilton already retired in depression and disgrace, it imposes an entirely unnecessary 8-year ban on someone who had no nefarious Vino-like intentions of polluting this snow-clean sport ever again. Y'know, there's a lot of reasons not to respect Tyler--and a huge chunk of his generation, while we're at it--for what he did and the way he handled things, but it seems to me entirely wussy and, frankly, sixth-grade-alpha-!@#$% to go after a guy like this when he's already so far down. What's next, you badasses gonna text the whole school that his outfit today is dorky? OMG!!!!!!!!!

Back On the Chain Gang: meantime, I see the French are taking an innovative tack on reintegrating prisoners into society: yep, they've formed 'em a cycling squad to take their own 2,400 km Tour de France, complete with some pretty sweet rides, prison guard escorts, a team car, and (highly recognizable) team kit. Say the cyclists, it gives 'em a chance to prove to their families that they can do something good, and I gotta give it to 'em, at least it'll keep 'em too tired to shank their roommates. Caveat: like they couldn't have found enough felons in the *current* peloton to fill a freakin' team?

What To Do, What To Do: last but not least, as July draws inexorably closer, and wee little Contador himself has the sense to name Lance as one of his biggest rivals, it seems to me that Lance "The Happy Domestique" Armstrong has really only a few options to consider here:

1. Dedicate himself, 100%, no exceptions, to being Contador's pace-setting, wind-protecting, slip-stream-generating, snack-feeding, bike-changing, water-bottle serf. Ha ha! Okay, back from fantasy-land, folks. Why the @#$! would a 7-time Tour de France winner want to do that? And don't give me that pious crap about promoting Livestrong--he's been doing it to great success for the last 3 years without having to depend on the peloton, and if he cared so much that he cut off the fawning Italian press for the last two weeks of the race, what makes you think he'll promote it any more to the Armstrong-loathing French? What's more, let's face it, the guy got more publicity for his worthy organization suckin' on that Olsen twin, so if he's *really* lookin' for attention, he should pimp himself to People (again). Anyhoo, I digress, so let's move on:

2. Lay down the law like he always does with Johan's enthusiastic enforcement, and ride uncontested for GC. No doubt he'll do this if, and only if, he thinks he can win. Still time to snag Valverde's spot at Caisse d'Epargne, Alberto--and you know your old pal Luis Leon Sanchez'll genuinely help you if you ask!

3. Kneecap Contador faster'n you can ask "what was the name of that doltish inbred Tonya Harding sicced on Nancy Kerrigan again?" Oh, I'm so *very* sorry I rammed my wheel into yours at 65 mph!

4. (a) Start 'n'suck or (b) don't start if you think you'll suck, and cry "stomach flu" or some similarly disgusting no-questions-we-don't-need-the-details ailment. It's not like anyone'll suggest you just couldn't cut it anymore, right? Not with your legal team, they won't!

Well, that's my take on 'im, anyway--and of course, Free Klodi!


Anonymous said...

What the UCI did was disgraceful. They picked off riders who can't afford big legal teams; I guess that what they meant when they said they "had to be sure the cases could hold up in court"!!!

Mary said...

Hee! I love the characterization of Vino as being "exquisitely sociopathic." Anyone who saw him ride, even briefly, could testify to the shockingly intense "I-will-kill-everyone-here" expression he generally wore with such ease. :0

And, it's the sucker for drama in me, that makes me the teeniest bit sorry Vino is not going to be able to ride in the Tour for Astana. Watching Contador, Lance, and Levi battle it out will be entertaining enough, but throwing Vino into the mix would be like throwing a rabid lion onto the team. Scary and dangerous, of course, but somewhat entertaining for all that.

But, I'm still so pissed at the ASO for banning Astana last year that I'm rooting for them to snag all the podium spots! I love CVV, naturally - who doesn't? But, since he's coming in injured and has next year to look forward to, I'd be perfectly happy to have him finish a very respectable fourth. And, I'd like to see Andy Schleck tear it up there with Frank. And, I'd like to see Carlos do well - partly as an FU to Riis for badmouthing him. And, I'd be thrilled if somehow Big George could pull off a great finish!

Of course, Actual Race Results may differ from my own preferences...