Sunday, June 07, 2009

It's the Dauphine-Libere, Baby!

Get Down On It: yes, with the Giro behind and the Tour ahead, the Grand Boucle faves are scoping each other out at the Dauphine this week, with Contador cagey about his form as usual and keeping an eye on Alejandro "I Guess I Better Aim for the Vuelta" Valverde, Cadel "Forget It, I'm Hosed in July" Evans, and St. Ivan of Varese, who, despite some admitted "mistakes" in the Giro (like riding clean) is going to the race to win. However, what truly impresses me about Contador these days is his near-perfect praise of rival team-god (and let's face it, no matter what Johan says, if Lance decides he wants the kingship at the Tour, he's gonna get it, and after winning 7 straight I'm betting he'd rather have Bruyneel intentionally run over his legs with the freakin' team bus to give him an excuse to bail than have to suffer the ignominy of being some upstart rugrat's water-!@#$%), including such over-the-top homage as "we've not seen each other much since the start of the season" and "our relationship is correct and normal." So long as you're not in the same country, that is--should be an exciting 3 weeks in July!

I'm Bringing Schlecksyback: and, I'll humbly ask that you indulge my complete denial over the hideously blasphemous and clearly-untrue-so-bite-me-you-yellowbellied-muckraker Frank Schleck doping allegations, as baby savant Andy takes an early stage and big bro takes GC control and one heck of a hilly leg at the Tour of Luxembourg. Just keep your head down and Bjarne on your side, Frank, and you'll be all set to go at the start line 4 weeks from now--hell, you can't be any worse than anyone else who'll be up there, right?

Fred Garvin, Male Prostitute: meantime, Tour-protester-tackling legend Bernard Hinault is back in action, smacking around everyone from the disgusting lazy French riders, who shouldn't be paid unless and until they win a race, to lame-!@# race radios, ("just a Game Boy that has a gigolo attached at the end telling the racer when to take a piss"), to Greg Lemond's lack of tactical sense, to, most gratifyingly (if predictably), Lance, who has no business coming back to the Tour and to whom he hopes Contador "gives...a beating." The reaction from the twit(ter)sphere, of course, was swift, with Johan embracing his ho-dom and Lance dismissing his old BFF as a "wanker." Aw, Bernard, you're warming my heart--it's almost like having the real Simoni back!

Woo-Hoo!: and, it's a delighted welcome back to smashing (and oft-smashed) modest Aussie we love Stuey O'Grady, at last recovered from his latest lung-puncture, lavishing praise on everyone from teammates to team-docs, and ready to hit the road again (hopefully not literally, for once). Bring it on Stuey, and don't forget, you can stomp half the guys you domestique for if only you manage to stay upright! Back too, after escapades rather less heroic: yes, our big blowzy beloved party-hound Tom Boonen, who the Tour's gonna let in after all if UCI lays off him as seems likely. Assign this boy a handler at the disco, and Cav may actually have some serious sprint rivals in July!

Banned Cyclist Activity Watch: finally, with an outraged Lampre denying rumors that they're in talks with disgraced scum-doper Riccardo Ricco, and with quite some time left to go on his ban, it appears the boy has moved on from his initial gig as a spin-class instructor to the field of "artistic cycling", the "rhythmic gymnastics" of the cycling world:


Tom said...

Silly video, but amazing.

And to think, I give myself a silver star if I make it through a ride without falling over at an intersection.

Rosemary said...

Wow, and I thought the guy we saw riding his bicycle backwards on Interstate 5 on our way to San Diego was talented!