Yes, in a topsy-turvy but intermittently-hopeful cycling season in which Paris-Roubaix was postponed, La Course was !@#$ed (of course), and Valverde remains a hot young property at the age of 682, the beautiful Giro d'Italia is back in May when it belongs, and with one of the strongest fields and some of the most fearsome mountains in years, it's time to look at the course! Here, what the boys will be battling, the crowds will be drunkenly socially-distancing at, and the couch peloton will be cheering, this year:
Week One: we start off in Torino with a short, 8.6km time trial in which we find out right off the bat exactly how many seconds dear Mikel Landa is already screwed. Go to hell, he's conserving energy for the Dolomites, you miserable haters! Stage 2: Ciao, velocisti! The sprinters get an early chance to shine with a flat, 179km chillfest to Novara. Please, no twitchy, stupid accidents to break our hearts, and bruise delicate peloton skins, this early! Stage 3: A 190KM bit of a roller to wake the legs up and give the break some leeway til a slightly uphill last k for the finish in bella Canale. Stage 4: sure, enjoy the first half of the day, but the second part of the 187k turns upward, with a wicked ascent up the Colle Passerino just before the end. Ugh, can you cameras quit sadistically focusing on the poor suffering autobus? Stage 5: phew, after a nice massage, you can relax til you hit the rotaries and 3 corners as you approach the finish line. At least it's pancake flat! Next up: it's yer intro to the Apennines, as we take on some road furniture, and basically a final 15k uphill. If you've got some early weakness, GC, now's the time to freakin' hide it! Finally, we wrap up the week with some potential crosswinds along the Adriatic coast and a slightly uphill finale. And yeah, be grateful while you can, sprinters!
Week 2: Are we in the mountains yet? Gettin' there, honey, 'cause Stage 8 through Campobasso, up Bocca della Selva, a long leisurely descent, then a final hike to Guardia Saniframondi is gonna ache! That is, til Stage 9, which tosses in a coupla Cat 2s, a Cat 3, then a Cat 1 finale up to the sarcastically-named Campo Felice, with, as a bonus for the tifosi if potentially tire-pinching for the riders, a sharp uphill gravel finish. Yeah, they'll be "felice" when they fall off their bikes! Stage 10 takes it down (literally) a notch, with a short 139k stage from L'Aquila to Foligna, and a long, mostly downhill 38k or so to the curvy, though paved, finale. Enjoy your rest day, kids! Stage 11: it's a beautiful amble through the vineyards via the strade sterrate on the Brunello di Montalcino "wine stage". Surely you hard-driving team directors'll allow these boys a decent toast tonight? Stage 12: party's over as we head down from Siena to a quartet of Cat 3 and Cat 2 passes (including some ouchy little 14% nips on the final climb) til the surprisingly twisty end. Careful out there! Stage 13 throws a massive bone to the two sprinters who haven't already gone home crying to Mamma on a paper-flat meander from Ravenna to Verona. *Now* would be a good time to run home crying to Mamma, fast men! Last but so very not least, Stage 14 brings on the first real splits in GC with the spectacular, and whoa-nelly painful, Monte Zoncolan. Don't !@#$ this up, Bahrain-You-!@#damn-Well-Better-Be-Victorious!
Week 3: Lord have mercy, or at least the organizers did, 'cause Stage 15 is a trio of Cat-4 lumpers, a final wee 14% gradient as we dip into Slovenia and back into Italia, and even a short section of pave til the last 300 meters of all-out tarmac. That wasn't so bad, was it? Good, because tomorrow you're climbing Passo Fedaia, *then* the Cima Coppi of the freakin' Pordoi, *then* the massive nut-kick of Passo Giau. Hey, at least it's downhill to Cortina d'Ampezzo--if you've still got control of your bodily functions! And if you don't, you got a final rest day to get 'em back. Don't get lazy though! Stage 17: do you know the way to Canazei? Well, from, but having largely determined the GC, we relax with a slightly less torturous jaunt to Sega d' Ala with the Cat 1 Passo di San Valentino at 155k in, then a ripping Cat 1 finale starting at 10%, plateauing at 15%, and a few nice stretches of 17 and 18% to really bring on the pain the last 11k of the race. Mikel, you know what to do here! Stage 18: it's a snoozy 196k through Cremona til 4 wake-up bumps in quick succession to a silky smooth finish in Stradella. Ah, that felt nice--or it would've if most of the sprinters were still here! Stage 19 jars you back to reality, with the Cat 1 skip to Mottarone halfway in and a gorgeous Cat 1 finish up Alpe di Mera. Don't work too hard though boys--the GC and the podium is sealed, if it isn't already, by a brutal penultimate day with a deceptively chill first half then a cannonball into the pain cave with agonizing last-chance schleps up Passo San Bernadino, the ominously named Splugenpass, and, after a careening descent, your final, if almost forgiving, 10% reward to the top of Alpe Motta. Seriously, you're gonna DQ me for deliriously tossing a baby fan my last water bottle NOW? Anyway, if you've got enough padding on the clock, time to celebrate, or if not, to totally legally and legitimately ride the best freakin' time trial of your life--it's yer last chance to win or lose the maglia rosa, and welcome, for better or way worse, to Milan!
Well, that's Yer Preview Part Uno. Next up: the General Classification contenders! And no, even *I'm* not that nasty to poor Froomey. Well...Anyhoo, get out your Euskaltel caps BECAUSE IT'S A !@#DAMN OUTRAGE THEY WEREN'T INVITED AND THE ORGANIZERS WILL FEEL OUR PAIN AND PROTEST STRAIGHT FROM OUR LIVING ROOMS OVER THE AIRWAVES INTO THEIR TINY, SHRUNKEN, MISERABLE HEARTS, bust out the Aperol, and let's get this hot-pink party started!
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