All right, the riders've been cleared, the confetti's gone off, and, after Stage 9's fireworks, the fight for the maglia rosa is officially on. So what've we learned, and what the hell's going on, and will? This!
1. G$%mother!#$%ing b#$%^ c!@#theentire^&*!inplanetisouttogethimDAMMIT, right when he's on the form and in the spirits of his !@#$ing LIFE since he left Euskaltel, we love Mikel Landa is taken completely and bone-breakingly out a in Stage 4 crash in which he was just utterly pointless race-wrecking collateral damage. Also, it wasn't Dombrowski's fault. Still, you SUCK universe--*!@#$* !
2. On a related note, UCI, if you !@#$wits keeps focusing on stupid !@#$ like sock length and souvenir bidon-tosses and don't get this !@#$ing road furniture bull!@#$ in order I am going to lose my mind. These guys are eyeball-locked on each others' wheels in a dead-on rush to the finish line and you can't be bothered to flash a !@#$ing flag at 'em til they're literally impaled on some steel pole? When I issued my "revised UCI protocols" I didn't mean for you clowns to take 'em seriously. @#dammit!
3. On another related note, I am now all-in for we love fellow ex-Euskaltel rider Pello Bilbao on GC. Shut up, can so! Or Mikel Nieve or Gorka and every other ex-Carrot. Please, just *one* for the orange army, boys! Or several, that's cool too. Aupaaaaaaaaaaaa!
3. Considering that even a prominent Italian sprinter or two has been known to bail out at the first sight of high mountains in the Giro road book, it's kind of unfair to single out Caleb Ewan for monster tweet-slagging when a Grand Tour stage-win triple crown has been his stated aim all season. Sure, it's blasphemy and he oughta honor the race by suffering through every last millimeter to Milan, but all this fuss at the Giro over a *sprinter*?
4. On the other hand, Vincenzo Nibali of course is suffering even more miserably than expected from his crap broken wrist, but is *he* running home crying to mamma? No, because he's Vincenzo !@#$ing Nibali, and everyone else is worthless and weak. We love you Squalo!
5. With his palmares, no one could really blame Filippo Ganna if he were a total princess prima donna who sat around the team bus whining between time trial victories, but you gotta hand it to him, he'll gut himself for his team any day. Class!
6. Speaking of Skineos, it's nice to see Egan Bernal bouncing back from his endless excruciating back pain, despite the horrid team he rides for. Okay, so the final podium is maybe a formality--with Landa out, who gives?
7. Sagan, man. Hope Lefevere didn't already sign that check, you might be able to squeeze a few more euros outta him after today! And anyone else think those taps of apology and congratulations after the argy-bargy to the finish line maybe weren't so friendly on some riders' ends as it seemed?
8. Viviani, man. *Something's* gotta turn that ship around!
9. Nibali's right, that intermediate sprint today won't mean squat. Sure was entertaining though--and I'd hate to be the rider whose estimate for the final time trial is three seconds off!
10. Contador and Basso's boys are making a very fine showing so far for their first Grand Tour outing. So are they forgiven now, or is it still open season on the steak jokes?
11. If you're not happy that a guy named Taco, a totally unheralded kid from Cofidis, and a man who literally kisses his maglia rosa farewell won stages, I honestly don't even know what species you are. Is there ever a more gorgeous setting for a first-ever-or-even-just-infrequent stage win than the Corsa Rosa?
12. Bauke Mollema. Like you don't want him to take a stage after all that work he's put in?
13. Extreme Weather Protocols. Watching these guys skid over the tarmac like drunken Ice Capades rejects, is anyone else convinced that they're pretty much bull!@#$ ?
14. Finally, UCI, while we're thinking about stupid !@#$ you do, what the !@#$ is these stupid new rules where it's better to have a support vehicle and a DS dispose of a freakin' rainjacket properly than to *avoid running over an actual human cyclist*? If they can't do this stupid crap without turning the riders into bowling pins, back the !@#$ off so they don't have to fear being whacked at 30 miles an hour!
Anyway, I know I've missed out on buckets, but them's mine. Good luck in the Dolomites suckers, and vai vai vai Pellooooooooooooooo!
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