1. Welp, there's your final maglia rosa. Barring Egan Bernal's back locking up or a major crash that is, both of which we dearly hope won't happen. Even better, the kid's win was assisted when he had to outrun two !@#$in' nutwhacks chasing him with chainsaws. Sure, your team's an Evil Empire of doping cheating RadioSkank-train scumweasels, but you honor the race and speak fluent Italian, so we love you anyway Egan!
2. On a related note, Bernal may still be a whippersnapper, but that was extremely respectful and canny--as well as a smashing dope-smack to your competitors--to ditch the rain jacket without crashing to show off the maglia rosa when he won coming off Passo Giau. *That* visual's gotta hurt Yates!
3. Speaking of fan bull!@#$, who was that who grabbed that screaming shoving germ-vector !@#$wit who damn near knocked Fortunato off his bike, and almost out of the Giro, a little over 1k out on his agonizing win on the Zoncolan? *That*'s right, mother!@#$ers, it was two time Giro d'Italia campione and personal Zoncolan victor we love smack-talking Gilberto !@#$in' Simoni, who together with his wife went all Bernard Hinault on his !@# and dragged him away from Fortunato to take the win. Don't !@#$ with a guy whose grandmother sends him coke-tainted candies to enjoy, you hear?
4. Bahrain-Victorious sure hasn't let Mikel Landa's forced retirement (waaaaaaaaaaaah!) get them down. A stage win, a second place on Zoncolan, *and* the utterly unexpected Damiano Caruso in second overall. !@#$, well done guys--I hope they bring you all back to support Mikel in the Vuelta!
5. And yes, I know Bernal's skipping the Tour so will take on the Vuelta, so stuff it Landa haters. All that !@#$ Ineos is on has gotta wear off eventually, amirite?
6. What the !@#$ was that stupid crash 3k out on Stage 14? Poor Buchmann!
7. So after the preemptive cancellation, and resulting gutting of the decisive Queen stage, of the vicious Fedaia and grinding Pordoi climbs due to the invocation of the otherwise-useless UCI's Extreme Weather Protocol, RAI cheerfully broadcasted pics of the perfectly tranquillo, if mildly damp, top of both passes. As a result, the riders' union, race organizers, governing bodies, and teams, who earlier in the day were all over each other grabbing credit for thoughtfully protecting the riders from hypothermic skating-rink total destruction, immediately began eating their own young blaming each other for the dumb!@#$ decision in the first place, with a few joyless holdouts among the tifosi forgivingly protesting that, after all, riders shouldn't be putting their frozen extremities and personal safety on the line simply to appease the sadism of a buncha sick freaks watching the spectacle from the warmth and comfort of their armchairs. Crybabies! Anyway, let the recriminations, half-truths, and history rewrites as to whose fault that was begin!
8. Lay off Evenepoel, willya? He's not even old enough to drown his freakin' sorrows in Prosecco, and heck knows that erratic jackwagon Lefevere could drop that supportive bull!@#$ on a dime and feed his carcass to an actual pack of ravening wolves. Evenepoel made no excuses, he's got the grinta to offer to stagger on, and he's still got one or two Grand Tours left in 'im before he ages out at the new geriatric standard of 23. You go, boy!
9. There is absolutely nothing, *nothing* unusual about every climbing record ever set at the Giro during the height of the mindbogglingly uncontrolled EPO era being smashed by guys who are completely and virtuously clean. Nothing. But my, that's some powerful freakin' Muesli they're all eating at breakfast!
10. !@#$in' hell, cycling gods, *please* let Bauke Mollema win a stage. What else does he have to do, barge into the time trial course and cattle-prod Filippo Ganna out of the way for a breakaway to stick?
11. Heck knows I've had my issues with Basso and Contador over the years, but Alberto's howling 5-minute video reaction to Fortunato's win on top of the Zoncolan was both adorable and priceless. But look, just because Eolo-Kometa earned its keep on its first Grand Tour outing doesn't mean you race organizers are excused from inviting Euskaltel back next year, RCS you punks!
Well fans, technically, it ain't over yet. We've still got an anything-goes battle for second and third, the terrifyingly-named Splugenpass on the penultimate day, *and* the final individual time trial, in which wee Bernal needs a cushion of approximately 14 months to guarantee the final Trofeo Senza Fine in Milan. And it's the Giro, so heck knows anything could still happen. No, not Evenpoel for Chr*st's sake--I told you all, lay off the kid!
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