Yes, dear reader(s), it's *still* happening, so with the updated start lists finally out, and everyone who no one gives a crap if they even rode it or not already popped for this year by the ace antidoping enforcers over at UCI, it's time to review our General Classifications Contenders! The field, with pros and cons:
1. Mikel Landa: Yeah, I said it. And if I read one more twitter poll about who's gonna win that doesn't list him I'm gonna spit--me, a delicate, genteel lady! Anyway, two issues: (1) Confidence. If his !@#$in' DS makes those big sad puppy-dog eyes fill with tears or even crease his brow by slagging him in the press this year you wankers, he will collapse like a souffle' in an earthquake, so you can shut yer freakin' yap with any of that !@#$ing bull!@#$ *right now*, you hear! (2) The second time trial. FFS Bahrain, you need to pad this boy's lead by at least a minute by the penultimate day or Mikel's gonna be swiped off the podium like a bad Tinder profile. DON'T mess this up you guys! Strengths: Pello, who's been on fire this year, sez he's committed to having Mikel's back. Yeah, I've heard that before--but let's hope he really means it! And the squad is really bringing a bangin' group. And Mikel genuinely seems a jillion times happier than he was at Team BackStab or SquanderMe. So stay upright Mikel and pace yourself--those final-week mountains are yours!
2. Pello Bilbao: Look, I *love* our dear ex-Carrot, and hope he at least has the luxury of popping off the front for a stage win. But have you not read a !@#damn thing I just told you in the first paragraph?! It's like that time Scarponi could've pulled off at the cafe for a beer and a massage and still beaten everyone else to the line but graciously waited for Nibali, or when Sepp Kuss could've taken the stage twice while Roglic was desperately trying to grind back up to him, but they still *did their jobs*. Aupa Pello--within reason, of course!
2. Vincenzo Nibali: sure, our two-time champ's getting a little long in the tooth as Grand Tour GC winners go, but I mean, not eligible-for-the-old-person's-home-Chris-Horner-bagging-the-Vuelta old, and look how *that* panned out. And of course, Lo Squalo's starting off somewhat hampered in training and form by a busted wrist. But he *is* the mitico Shark, he adores his home race, and HE WILL HOLD THAT DAMN JOINT TOGETHER WITH DUCT TAPE AND RUSTY NAILS IF HE HAS TO SO UNDERESTIMATE HIM AT YOUR ETERNAL HELLBOUND PERIL YOU QUIVERING WEAKLINGS!
3. Simon Yates: I know. He doesn't want any pressure either. And he can't fake out to the peloton that he's really his brother now that they're actually on different squads. And he's acting awfully nonplussed for someone going after one of the biggest--and definitely the most beautiful--prizes in cycling. His form looks great, he hasn't been afraid to hit the gas pedal just so he won't tip off his competitors, and he is just floating when he accelerates. If he doesn't crack after the mountains in the second week--and if he can manage against, or with, other teams that are more formidable on paper, he's gonna be tough to out-ride. Good luck, but I still hope Landa and Nibali beat you!
4. Egan Bernal: His back. His back, his back, his poor poor back. He is a gorgeous climber, and surprisingly not so catastrophically disastrous in the time trial as he oughta be. So if he can control the pain, it's hard to picture him off the podium. But Skineos clearly isn't optimistic, because they've named Pavel Sivakov--a very fine rider, but still--"co-leader." Oh yeah, that !@#$ works--just ask Movistar!
5. Remco Evenepoel: yes, he still gets age-checked for Space Mountain at Disney. But 4 is the new 28-to-32-years-old apparently, and despite the fact that he's still coming back from a nasty crash in last year's Il Lombardia, he's carrying a lot of expectations on his back whether his team'll cave to it or not. Just don't throw those things by the side of the road or UCI'll have your !@# !
6. Dan Martin.: Cripes, he almost gets as little respect as Landa. But no matter what kind of a day he's having, or how much a particular section is blowing his legs out, he is just *dogged*, and over three weeks and at least one stage guaranteed not to be called off until the riders already have massive hypothermia, that's the kind of grinta you need. He was also fourth in the Vuelta last year--a pretty punishing parcours. He may not win--but I'm still expecting pretty good things from 'im!
7. Hugh Carthy: He won on the Angliru, and podiumed at the Vuelta. Whether you think that was due to everyone's weird schedule, everyone's weird form, or an entirely weird race, that is indisputably some badassery. Maybe not this year--but if things go sideways, and with EF reportedly debuting yet another retina-searing kit that will distract and exhaust the rest of the peloton with screaming nightmares, you can't entirely count him out, either!
Well, them's mine, which virtually guarantees that if you bet on someone else entirely, you're likely to make a !@#$load of cash. So good luck to all of you, but best luck to Mikel Landa of course--and bring on the mighty Zoncolan! Last preview coming up: the sprinters and, far more importantly, the high-altitude stage hunters. Aupa Mikel Nieveeeeeeeeeeeeee!
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