Yes, usually you can rely on us here at racejunkie for such crack racing analysis as "!@#DAMMIT, GIRO, WHY DO YOU KEEP INCLUDING TIME TRIALS WHEN YOU KNOW THEY !@#$ OVER LANDA?" and "what kind of insane crap is this bull!@#$ 'new generation' on?" But the hot issue--and frankly, the most bat!@#$ bonkers--is what can riders do out there on the race course that won't get them fined, relegated, or banned from the sport? So, in the interests of protected our beloved peloton from personal and professional self-destruction, we helpfully present Yer UCI Guide to Proper Peloton Behavior:
1. Socks. If you do not fix that completely unacceptable sock height WE ARE GONNA !@#$ YOU UP, YOU HEAR?
2. Bike Weight. Any underweight bikes shall be immediately corrected by (1) attaching Chavito-sized weights in appropriate increments until you are within no more than 1 microgram under UCI standards or (2) strapping Andre Greipel to your top tube. Try dragging *that* up Mont Ventoux, you cheating punk!
3. Tire Width. If you don't like puncturing every six seconds on the Strade Bianche because the tires you have can't take the constant stabbing of rocks, you can ride on yer rims then you crybaby!
4. Barriers: From now on, the dangerous footed metal barriers that continually cause riders to crash within meters of the line, and which in any event require environmentally destructive mining practices, shall be replaced by lightly padded UCI officials.
5. Sprints: to avoid the possibility of dangerous and reckless sprinting, riders shall henceforth set out one at a time, in two-minute increments--now, wait a minute, that can't be right...
6. Time Trial Helmets: From now on, only helmets that have terrifying googly eyes that actually bounce around in their casings are permitted.
7. General Environmental Concerns. As shown by the gas-guzzling INEOS monster trucks, enormous team buses, dozens of motos, team cars, tchotchke purveyors, Mercedeses hauling dignitaries, and approximately 600 vehicles bearing giant plastic replicas of corporate mascots both preceding and following the peloton proves, UCI is strongly committed to protecting the environme--ah, !@#$ it, I got nothin'!
8. Bidons. Tossing empty bidons right to adoring child World Road Champions of tomorrow is strictly prohibited. Tossing bidons at the heads of the joyless eejits who imposed this rule is strongly encouraged.
9. Gels. In an effort to bring back lighthearted 'fun' back to the sport that you all are unjustly accusing us of killing, empty gel packets may only be crammed at full speed into the GC leader's back jersey pocket. Team with the most accurate hits and least crashes gets a kegger!
10. Musettes: To prevent further grotesque souvenir-hunting by happy fans whose patronage helps PAY UCI's BILLS, musettes may be thrown only into Gianni Moscon's wheelset.
11. Miscellaneous Rubbish: all other detritus, including but not limited to bodily fluids, must be deposited in a two-meter zone located at the base of the Koppenberg.
12. Podium Ceremonies. Podium babes, having been banned on both public health and misog--yeah, like we give a crap about misogyny!--grounds, remain forbidden. Small robots, having been mocked in tryouts, shall be replaced with the Terminator, or, for lesser jerseys, that molten-metal cop guy from the second movie. Flowers, which are useless water-sucking frippery, shall be replaced by dumping a wheelbarrow of mulch over the rider's heads.
13. Road Furniture. Due to the large carbon footprint of people in safety vests waving destructive synthetic neon flags in front of road furniture, all such injurious hazards shall be helpfully marked with a 4-inch length of kitchen twine. That oughta do it!
14. Carbon Dioxide Mitigation: Fans. Exhalations of screaming fans contributing to an excess of greenhouse gases are prohibited. Tifosi shall hold their breath for the entire six hours preceding the peloton on the slopes of the Zoncolan.
15. Team Kits. Team kits, including but not limited to bibs, baselayers, jerseys, and chamoises, depend heavily on harmful unnatural fabrics. Accordingly, each rider shall be allocated a total of 16 local, sustainably-harvested fig leaves to pad their nuts against 7 hours of relentless pounding.
16. Rain Jackets and Protocol. To avoid the potentially-deadly hazard of riders unable to doff and don rainjackets during the inevitably mercurial changes in weather in 10-meter increments on the Stelvio, thereby endangering other riders and subjecting the incompetent to dangerous frostbite, all World Tour cyclists shall be licensed annually in order to use such gear. Real-world road conditions shall be simulated in the testing environment by use of water cannons, random ice patches, and bombarding the riders with rapid-fire tennis balls. Riders failing such test shall be immediately demoted to Sunday-morning club rides on !@#$ bikes with wonky derailleurs, loose chains, and pre-punctured tires, and stripped of all World Tour privileges. That's a !@#$-ton of money even for you, Kelderman!
17. As the women's peloton already gets NO !@#$ING MONEY OR SUPPORT ANYWAY, none of these rules apply to you. Enjoy the sweet rewards of perpetual disrespect, ladies!
18. Rider Chats. Yapping into race radios, and discussing tactical plans with one's teammates, rudely distracts the riders who are properly concentrating. Accordingly, all on-course communication shall be conducted by Morse Code made by flapping your hands under your armpits to make that disgusting farting sound. Good luck staying upright, though!
Well, fellow road warriors, that about covers it. Maybe someday, we'll get around to !@#$ that really matters, like rider safety and dop--AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, you kidders!
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