Uh, "Truth And Reconciliation" Means *I* Get Amnesty, Right?; and, Andy Schleck Throws a Snit

Pat "Dick" McQuaid, Cowardly Tool: so, having successfully emasculated its own "Independent Commission" looking at UCI links to the Lance Armstrong doping affair, UCI has now managed to use its own sabotage as an excuse to shut the thing down entirely, saying since unfortunately USADA and WADA no longer have faith in the inquiry, they'll just have to form a general Truth and Reconciliation Commission instead, which, sadly, won't see the light of day til at least the end of the year. Pat, I'm so *glad* you're part of cycling's New Clean Era--at least, I sure bet Armstrong is!

Man, When Jens Calls You Out, You *Know* You !@#$ed Up: meanwhile, as cool arch-rival Contador nailed a hilly stage win at the Tour de San Luis, and just days after a charmingly optimistic Andy Schleck waxed poetic about his return to the peloton after his disastrous 2012 season--raising hopes he was not only physically but, for once, mentally ready for the challenges ahead at the Tour--Andy not only DNFd at the Tour Down Under on the final day's circuit due to a mechanical problem, but also flew into a petulant snit and unsportingly skipped the podium for the team classification, which RadioSkank, thanks to Jens being a god, actually won. Anyone else concerned that at this rate, if Andy don't get his *exactly* his way in July, he's gonna pull an Armstrong and be a petty little beeyotch to Contador on the podium? Here, not to rub it in or nothin', but Alberto goes for the win:

Now *That's* a Post-Racing Career: Can't quite score one of those rare-yet-lucrative DS gigs, haven't got the mad skills to be a ProTour mechanic, and don't want to be a lowly also-ran drug-mule for the cycling starts of today? Well, then, ex-riders, follow the ultra-cool example of former Lion King lead-outPaolo Fornaciari, who not only opened his own gourmet gelato shop after retirement, but also just won the World Championships in the discipline. For those of you (okay, us) with gelato fetishes, his winning concoction, "Macho Macho" (named after the ingredients, not, surprisingly, Cipollini's chest hair) was an almond gelato base with ribbons of bitter-orange marmalade and chocolate fondant, covered with slightly caramelized toasted almonds. Complimenti Paolo--and Landis, *see* what you could've become instead?!

Hein Verbruggen Bull!@#$ Alert!; and, Floyd Victims, Claim Yer Dough!

Now, That's Just Embarrassing: yes, in the latest CYA salvo, UCI ex-honcho/present PR nightmare Hein Verbruggen is defending its dirtbag-enabler practice of warning drug cheats that they were in serious danger of being busted, now on the grounds on that it was all nobly meant to "protect clean riders," because apparently, you "protect clean riders" by giving the dopers a heads-up to manipulate their blood values and snort those masking agents a little more carefully next time. Gee, *thanks*, Hein--why not protect the clean riders by actively sticking a giant drug-stuffed needle in the dopers' !@#es at the start line next time? *That'd* help the clean guys! Or, you could just slash their tires while they're waiting for the peloton to head off. Or, you could toss a coupla 50-pound lead weights in their musettes at the bottom of a climb. Or...

Money (That's What I Want): meanwhile, I see the FBI's sent out letters to the sweetly innocent donor-victims of the Floyd Fairness Fund informing 'em of their rights, but for my money, even better'n restitution--particularly if Floyd should run outta cash--would be some good ol' fashioned labor: y'know, he could come to your house and fix that leaky faucet, grout the bathtub, clean out your basement, all sorts of useful stuff. Hmmm, maybe I oughta call Armstrong about those posters I need framed--seems like he did a pretty good job with those seven yellow jerseys he posed under in his man-cave!

Brad Wiggins, Seeker of Anonymity: and, it seems Brad "I Hate the Press! Hey, Where Are You Guys Going?!" Wiggins has come back to earth about his chances to defend his Tour de France and decided to focus his energies on the perfect Giro, and, as I particularly hate to see anyone use either the superior Giro d'Italia or the Vuelta a Espana as a runner-up-!@#$% race for the Tour, I thought he just might want to take a peek at primo GC threat Vincenzo Nibali, who is apparently working hard to hone his time trial form:
Better watch out for him, Wiggo--'cause you ain't gonna have Froomey to balance 'im out in the mountains come May!

Speed Racer: last but not least, a big happy shout-out to Andre Greipel and Mark Cavendish, both starting off the Tour Down Under and Tour de San Luis with some respectable wins, and for Cav, anyway, laying waste to any doubts whatsoever about his spankin' new lead-out train. I got my own opinions on the sprint finishes, but I'm 100% sure Cav can take Andre in the smack-talk insult wars, so Andre, you might want to step it up on that front before the Manx Missile really puts on the hurt!

UCI Celebrates Lance's Silence: Truth and Reconciliation Can Suck It, Baby!

Woo-Hoo, Let's All Go Out for a Pint Instead!: yes, in their strongest effort yet to clean up and keep clean the sport we love, the UCI independent commission on Fixing This Whole !@#damn Mortifying Mess is really putting the hammer down on a petrified peloton--they're...uh, well, it's flurrying out today, so they're not gonna meet at all. Y'know, when Pat "Dick" McQuaid was a whippersnapper, he had to trudge to and from UCI headquarters uphill, in both directions, barefoot, through 3 feet of snow, a blinding blizzard, a howling nor'easter, biting sleet, beating sun, two tornadoes, three hurricanes and an earthquake, and he *still* managed to protect and enable every single cash-cow doper-celebrity cheater-dirtbag in the entire peloton, you quivering cowering whimpering weenies! Oh, man, better just draft a buncha Belgian hardmen to get the job done instead...

Injury Alert!: and holy cow (hmm, I should've saved that for some ancient-history Contador crack), best wishes for a speedy recovery for Classics god Tom Boonen, whose innocuous scrape on the elbow during a mountain-bike ride apparently turned into a swollen season-threatening mess and was just operated on in Belgium. Get *well*, Tommeke--if Fabian or any of those guys are gonna try to take you down on the cobbles, it's only fair they have to beat you at your best!

And We're Off!: finally, as Alberto Contador contemplates the hopeless Giro-Tour double--what, you *trying* to give Andy Schleck some false hope for July, you wisenheimer?--the indomitable Jens has started off the season in grand fashion at the Tour Down Under pre-crit, figuring "I may as well do something stupid and get it going.” Not to be outdone, Cav, Petacchi, Rodriguez (still tragically stuck with Katusha), Tejay, Thor (come back, Thor!) and Nibali test the legs, try the new lead-outs, and size up the competition at the Tour de San Luis. Please, dear peloton, *anything* to purge the last two weeks outta every lovin' cycling fan's head--now get on the road, get crackin', and remind us why we keep watching you clowns! Here, Saxo-Tinkoff gets its groove on:

It's the Lance/Oprah Interview Racejunkie Awards!

Yes folks, I usually don't throw a huge glitzy Oscar-esque awards show just for a one-off (well, two-off) event, but this slutfest debacle was so very special it more'n deserves one of its own. Prizes: seven dirt-black swill-covered jerseys, and Lance gets twenty minutes alone and defenseless in a dark room with Frankie, Betsy, Emma, Floyd, Tyler, Simeoni, and...damn, who *doesn't* this goon deserves twenty minutes with? Anyhoo, here they are....

Understatement o' the Century: "I am an arrogant prick." Even better than "I am not the most credible guy in the world right now!"

What the !@#$...Hey, Why Me?! Award: *really*? All the people he coulda thrown under the bus, and he calls Christian Vande Velde a liar for saying he was pressured to dope? I mean, okay, CVV cheated and profited handsomely by it, the guy's no saint, but geez, throw the freakin' Easter Bunny under the bus whydontcha?

I Am the World's Most Colossal !@#hole Award: I destroyed so many people for telling the truth about me I don't even *remember* 'em anymore--ha ha! Gee, Lance, I bet Emma--y'know, the one you basically called a drunken whore whose entire life you wrecked--remembers it pretty well! *What* a wanker...

Corollary Sensitive New Age Guy Statuette: sure, I called Betsy Andreu a crazy, lying bitch--but hey, at least I didn't say she was fat! Oh, Lance, the hits just keep on comin'...

My Handlers Went Over This Veeeery Thoroughly With Me Prize: I did not dope or perjure myself within the statute of limitations. I did not dope or perjure myself within the statute of limitations. I did not dope or perjure myself within the statute of limitations. Because spending 3 tranquillo years outta the peloton just about guarantees a guy a Tour podium, you weasel!

Holy Crap, the Poor Boy is Delusional Award: All the !@#$ you did and you still think you were on a "level playing field" with the other dimwit hotel-fridge internet-supplement dope fiends? See, Jan, forget the power, the money, the payoffs, the team of superhuman minions, the cutting edge technology, the warnings about doping controls...he'd'a beat you all along anyway...

Is That Violins Playing? Prize: Wah, wah, wah. So how come every child of a single mom isn't a ruthless lying cheating scumwad?

Weren't You Listening, You Morons?! Award: that was *UCI* I bought off, not USADA! Learn your acronyms you ignorant twits...

Let Them Eat Cake Clueless Whine o' the Interview: oh, he's sorry all right--sorry he lost a sweet $75 mil, that is. Phew, good thing he can still afford to sprinkle diamonds on his Wheaties for breakfast!

And the Moral Of the Story Is Smarmy Wrap-Up o' 2013: the truth shall set you free, baby. And I *still* ain't saying the half of it--suckers!

Well, dear readers, them's mine, and if I missed any awards he should've gotten, I hope you'll award 'em for me. Now let's all take a loooooooooooooooong hot shower 'til we finally feel clean again, remember why we still all love this sordid sport, and get ready for the Tour Down Under, baby!

It's He-eeeeeere--the Lance/Oprah Interview Transcript!

Voice-Over: Cancer survivor. Icon. Inspiration to millions. Seven-time winner of the Tour de France. And now, shadowed by controversy. Today, my candid, no-holds-barred interview with the one and only Lance Armstrong.

Oprah Winfrey: Lance, I understand you had a difficult childhood. Tell us what that was like.

Lance Armstrong: It was awful. (Tries to cry; rubs chili pepper in corner of eye instead)

OW: Mine, too. And like you, I triumphed over terrible adversity. Tell us what that was like.

LA: Well, I found solace in sports. And I triumphed over terrible adversity.

OW: That's so inspiring. What happened next?

LA: I found out that I was good at cycling.

OW: Now, "cycling," what is that?

LA: It's when a bunch of snotty Europeans with foreign accents wear stupid spandex outfits and stuff themselves with illegal drugs biking all over socialist countries for money.

OW: That sounds terrible.

LA: It is. Then, I discovered I was sick.

OW: And thankfully, you triumphed over that.

LA: Yes. And I set out to become an even better cyclist than I had been.

OW: That's so inspiring. And how did you do that?

LA: Well, I worked hard, which is the American way. Also, I did what I had to do, but only because a guy named Johan Bruyneel made me do it.

OW: That name sounds European. It must have been very difficult for you.

LA: It was. And I told my teammates that if they didn't do what I had do too, I would crush them like vermin and they would be consigned to the dustbin of history.

OW: That must have been so inspiring for them. Then what?

LA: Well, I donated a bunch of money to organizations who could bust me for just trying to compete equally with everyone else. Just so they could buy nice new lab equipment though.

OW: That's so generous of you. So what happened next?

LA: Well, I kept on beating Europeans. And I'm American. So that's, like, better.

OW: So you inspired millions of young Americans to become cyclists. That's so inspiring. Now, there's something you're not telling us.

LA: Well, I didn't want to make a big deal out of it...

OW: That's so humble of you. But you started an incredibly successful organization dedicating to fighting cancer that inspired millions of people, didn't you?

LA: Well, yes. And I used that to shut up my critics. Who were Europeans, and a bunch of European-lovers, who also wear stupid spandex clothes, ride their bikes on the roads where there are supposed to be pickup trucks, and eat, like, these ridiculous tiny "energy gels" instead of barbecue.

OW: I love my yellow bracelet. But while you were inspiring millions, something was terribly wrong, wasn't it?

LA: Yes. Some of my teammates tried to have their own careers. With Europeans.

OW: That must have been heartbreaking.

LA: Yes (rubs chili pepper into eye again). Then, a bunch of other guys got busted for doping.

OW: Now, "doping," what is that?

LA: It's what I did better than anyone else. Because I'm American.

OW: That's fantastic. So why was that bad?

LA: Well, a bunch of bitter has-beens were out to get me. Just because I tried to destroy their lives for telling the truth about me.

OW: That must have been horrible for you.

LA: Yes. And then, I called Floyd Landis, Tyler Hamilton and Greg LeMond to apologize even though I hadn't done anything wrong, and they were totally mean to me.

OW: Who?

LA: Well, they're--

OW: So you apologize for nothing to some people we've never heard of, and they were mean to you. How selfish and uncaring of them.

LA: It was.

OW: And yet you triumphed over that pain. That's so inspiring. Lance, let's lay it on the line for all the world to hear: is there anything else you want to tell us?

LA: Yes. I did this all for me. Me, ME, M--(Rolex-clad forearm appears from off-camera, whacks Lance upside the head)--my children. And my fans. And for America.

OW: Lance, thank you for sharing your story with us. It's very inspiring. And if you look under your chair, you'll find the keys to a BRAND NEW PRIUS!

LA: (Shrieks with delight and jumps up and down clapping his hands as credits roll)

This Post Is Not About That Unbearable Wanker Lance Armstrong

Yep, We're Slammin' Johan Instead: so the verdict is in (and out) on Team RadioSkank: Johan Bruyneel !@#$ed over the riders *and* the team in 2012, and they're all a whoooooooooole lot happier now. So does this mean we get to seem some results from Fabian Cancellara, Andy Schleck, (we know we'll see results from Jens), and spankin' new Astana signee Jakob "No ProTour Races for You!" Fuglsang? Well, I gotta say, I'm still a little skeptical about Baby Schleck, but if Fabian stays upright as he's usually inclined to do, and Fuglsang (who's got a highly entertaining assessment of Johan's past-n-present management style) doesn't mess with big-star Nibali, we're gonna be lookin' at some pretty exciting Classics and Grand Tours this year. Allez Fabian--and Jakob, time to prove up to your hype, unless you *want* to see what Vinokourov looks like when he's pissed!

Son of Kong (McQuaid, Whatever): and, for those of you (and I know there are many) who just can't get enough of UCI head tool Pat "Dick" McQuaid, now there's more:David McQuaid, Son of Pat, has taken a management gig for the first, and very fine, Pro Continental squad in Azerbaijan. Hey, that's great news--and it'd be even *better* news if you could find a nice new job for yer dad! Aw, c'mon, Pat, surely you're ready (if not about to be forced) to move on from that dull ol' UCI by now...forza Synergy Baku Cycling Project!

Cadel Throws Down the Gauntlet: all right, he had a crap Tour de France--hell, a whole crap season, thanks to a bum virus--but Cadel Evans is back, baby, and aiming for the podium in 2013. I'll admit, I used to scorn Cadel as a dull wheelsucker, but the last few years he's proved himself one of the toughest damn guys in the peloton *and* someone who's not afraid to take charge and destroy the field. More, how can you *not* love a man who'll threaten to pulverize a journalist who !@#$s with his dog? Go Cadel--and bring Thor Hushovd back along with you, I beg!

It's the Vuelta a Espana, Baby!: finally, get ready for the official presentation tomorrow of the fabulous Vuelta a Espana, with Alberto, we love Samuel Sanchez, and a host of wannabes in rapt attendance, and a course that's reputed to be even more sadistic than last year's. Aupa Euskalteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel--eat their dust, Valverde!

Holy Crap This Isn't a Joke: Lance is Yappin' on Oprah

Which can only mean one thing, dear reader(s): he's going for the I-couldn't-help-it-everyone-else-was-doing-it-I-was-just-trying-to-inspire-others-after-a-terrifying-illness-and-remarkable-comeback-so-now-you-can't-criticize-me-without-looking-like-a-colossal-!@#$wad-tearjerker-martyr-hero-gullible-fanboy-who-doesn't-give-a-rat's-!@#-about-cycling sympathy vote. Am I the only one who's just about two seconds and a strong personal sense of ladylike restraint away from hurling right now? Thought not! Still, it's gotta be tough faking your first human emotions, especially for the cameras, so in order to help Lance connect with the intended audience, I think he could use a few tips:

1. "I had a tough childhood." Who doesn't love kids?

2. "I discovered something I was good at." Self-esteem blossoms!

3. "Someone else believed in me." Validation!

4. "I worked really hard." He's grateful!

5. "I started winning, like, out of nowhere." Success!

6. "I hit the lowest of low points." Yes, and everyone, even everyone who hates you, is genuinely glad you're okay.

7. "I had to prove to myself I could do it." Yes, and everyone, even everyone who hates you, is genuinely glad you could.

8. "But I found out it wasn't so easy." Obstacles!

9. "Everyone else was doing it." Amoral European socialists!

10. "I trusted Johan." Vulnerability!

11. "He guided me." Lack of personal responsibility!

12. "It was the only way for a level playing field." Justification!

13. "I still beat them anyway." Proof you deserved it!

14. "I am so, so deeply sorry." Remorse!

15. "I've learned a precious lesson." Self-awareness!

16. "I hope to start anew." Redemption!

17. "For my family, for my fans, and all of cycling." Selflessness!

Well, Lance, that oughta tide you over, unless someone actually asks you to explain your years of vindictiveness, how it could possibly have been a level playing field with all your money power influence and doped-up superdomestiques, and your totally callous exploitation of others' sympathy for personal gain. And as you've surely considered carefully, that ain't gonna happen on Oprah. 'Til then, try not calling anyone a "liar" or a "whore," keep that $250,000 you offered to USADA in the bank, and you'll do juuuuuuuuuuuuust fine!

UCI: Hypocritically Hosing Bitchin' New Teams Since 2013

You suck, UCI!: as if there weren't already enough reasons to loathe narc-supremos UCI, woo-hoo! now, there's even more, as UCI gives a pointless and gigantic hosing to cool new South African Pro Continental squad MTN-Qhubeka, which helps give bikes to children in rural areas in return for work done to help their environment and their communities. How'd UCI screw 'em? Well, if UCI don't sanction races, a Pro Conti squad can't race in anything but its own national championships, and that just really sticks it to a squad. Y'know, I get--heck, I downright admire--UCI's wholesome rule on refusing to ok races sponsored by organizations promoting cigs, porno, or beverages with an alcohol-by-volume percentage over 15. So it might almost make sense, in the interests of protecting grown-up human beings from the nefarious, nay, near-criminal influence of South Africa's Tour of Richelieu--named for, and sponsored by, a brandy company--for UCI not let it be a UCI-sanctioned gig. Until you think o' this: why, then, do you schmoes sanction the Amgen "EPO" Tour o' California every year? No doubt, Amgen is a fine and noble company, and EPO, used for its intended purposes, has greatly helped the lives of many people. But the very same UCI rule also prohibits sponsorships promoting "any other products that might damage the image of UCI or the sport of cycling in general." Uh, I don't know if y'all at UCI have heard, but illicit use of EPO has actually been linked to some preeeeeeeeeeettttty major damage to the sport (and you clowns, too) of late. I guess the devil liquor is the real danger to the sport, all right! Next up: UCI sanctions the Dr. Michele Ferrari "Dope Your Blood Up" Tour o' Chem Labs. You suck, UCI--free MTN-Qhubeka!


Oh, and Lance is reportedly considering admitting to his doping. Because he feels guil--uh, because he wants to be able to compete in triathlons again. Glad to see his "conscience" is kickin' in!