Woo-hoo, We're On the Cobbles, Baby!; and, Andy Schleck Dissed *Again*

Finally!: yes, it's time to kick off the venerable (and painful!) Belgian Classics season at last, baby! The races: the exciting (and cobblier) Omloop Het Nieuwsblad, and the "infernal race with the heavenly finish," Kuurne-Brussels-Kuurnage. The players: a newly-healed Tom Boonen juuuuust testing his form at Omloop, Cav defending his Kuurne title, Thor desperate to show his season-opening win wasn't a one-off, ever-threat Juan Antonio Flecha, the dashing Pippo Pozzato, and, in its virgin appearance on the cobbles, intrepid new African squad MTN-Qhubeka. Most importantly, the weather forecast: bbbrrrrrrr, with a chance of snow for Kuurne on Sunday! Here, Sep Vanmarcke edges Tommeke for last year's Omloop win: Allez allez boys--and good luck staying uprightish!

Sturm und Schleck: last but not least, yap, Vicioso tried to hide from the Op Puerto trial and Eki had to suspend him to keep Katusha's new WorldTour spot, yap, Tyler terrifyingly weed black after Fuentes mangled him, yap--nope, the big news is poor ol' (well, young) Andy Schleck again, as his Grand Tour rivals are already showing impressive form and, cringingly, even his own country writes him off as a hopeless lumpen slacker before the season hardly gets going. Damn, Andy, get your act together already--remember, if you don't, you won't be able to blame scumlord rival tactics or unfortunate equipment failures when you blow it this year!

UCI: Hypocritically Hosing Bitchin' New Teams Since 2013

You suck, UCI!: as if there weren't already enough reasons to loathe narc-supremos UCI, woo-hoo! now, there's even more, as UCI gives a pointless and gigantic hosing to cool new South African Pro Continental squad MTN-Qhubeka, which helps give bikes to children in rural areas in return for work done to help their environment and their communities. How'd UCI screw 'em? Well, if UCI don't sanction races, a Pro Conti squad can't race in anything but its own national championships, and that just really sticks it to a squad. Y'know, I get--heck, I downright admire--UCI's wholesome rule on refusing to ok races sponsored by organizations promoting cigs, porno, or beverages with an alcohol-by-volume percentage over 15. So it might almost make sense, in the interests of protecting grown-up human beings from the nefarious, nay, near-criminal influence of South Africa's Tour of Richelieu--named for, and sponsored by, a brandy company--for UCI not let it be a UCI-sanctioned gig. Until you think o' this: why, then, do you schmoes sanction the Amgen "EPO" Tour o' California every year? No doubt, Amgen is a fine and noble company, and EPO, used for its intended purposes, has greatly helped the lives of many people. But the very same UCI rule also prohibits sponsorships promoting "any other products that might damage the image of UCI or the sport of cycling in general." Uh, I don't know if y'all at UCI have heard, but illicit use of EPO has actually been linked to some preeeeeeeeeeettttty major damage to the sport (and you clowns, too) of late. I guess the devil liquor is the real danger to the sport, all right! Next up: UCI sanctions the Dr. Michele Ferrari "Dope Your Blood Up" Tour o' Chem Labs. You suck, UCI--free MTN-Qhubeka!


Oh, and Lance is reportedly considering admitting to his doping. Because he feels guil--uh, because he wants to be able to compete in triathlons again. Glad to see his "conscience" is kickin' in!