Monday, January 21, 2013

UCI Celebrates Lance's Silence: Truth and Reconciliation Can Suck It, Baby!

Woo-Hoo, Let's All Go Out for a Pint Instead!: yes, in their strongest effort yet to clean up and keep clean the sport we love, the UCI independent commission on Fixing This Whole !@#damn Mortifying Mess is really putting the hammer down on a petrified peloton--they're...uh, well, it's flurrying out today, so they're not gonna meet at all. Y'know, when Pat "Dick" McQuaid was a whippersnapper, he had to trudge to and from UCI headquarters uphill, in both directions, barefoot, through 3 feet of snow, a blinding blizzard, a howling nor'easter, biting sleet, beating sun, two tornadoes, three hurricanes and an earthquake, and he *still* managed to protect and enable every single cash-cow doper-celebrity cheater-dirtbag in the entire peloton, you quivering cowering whimpering weenies! Oh, man, better just draft a buncha Belgian hardmen to get the job done instead...

Injury Alert!: and holy cow (hmm, I should've saved that for some ancient-history Contador crack), best wishes for a speedy recovery for Classics god Tom Boonen, whose innocuous scrape on the elbow during a mountain-bike ride apparently turned into a swollen season-threatening mess and was just operated on in Belgium. Get *well*, Tommeke--if Fabian or any of those guys are gonna try to take you down on the cobbles, it's only fair they have to beat you at your best!

And We're Off!: finally, as Alberto Contador contemplates the hopeless Giro-Tour double--what, you *trying* to give Andy Schleck some false hope for July, you wisenheimer?--the indomitable Jens has started off the season in grand fashion at the Tour Down Under pre-crit, figuring "I may as well do something stupid and get it going.” Not to be outdone, Cav, Petacchi, Rodriguez (still tragically stuck with Katusha), Tejay, Thor (come back, Thor!) and Nibali test the legs, try the new lead-outs, and size up the competition at the Tour de San Luis. Please, dear peloton, *anything* to purge the last two weeks outta every lovin' cycling fan's head--now get on the road, get crackin', and remind us why we keep watching you clowns! Here, Saxo-Tinkoff gets its groove on:

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