Voice-Over: Cancer survivor. Icon. Inspiration to millions. Seven-time winner of the Tour de France. And now, shadowed by controversy. Today, my candid, no-holds-barred interview with the one and only Lance Armstrong.
Oprah Winfrey: Lance, I understand you had a difficult childhood. Tell us what that was like.
Lance Armstrong: It was awful. (Tries to cry; rubs chili pepper in corner of eye instead)
OW: Mine, too. And like you, I triumphed over terrible adversity. Tell us what that was like.
LA: Well, I found solace in sports. And I triumphed over terrible adversity.
OW: That's so inspiring. What happened next?
LA: I found out that I was good at cycling.
OW: Now, "cycling," what is that?
LA: It's when a bunch of snotty Europeans with foreign accents wear stupid spandex outfits and stuff themselves with illegal drugs biking all over socialist countries for money.
OW: That sounds terrible.
LA: It is. Then, I discovered I was sick.
OW: And thankfully, you triumphed over that.
LA: Yes. And I set out to become an even better cyclist than I had been.
OW: That's so inspiring. And how did you do that?
LA: Well, I worked hard, which is the American way. Also, I did what I had to do, but only because a guy named Johan Bruyneel made me do it.
OW: That name sounds European. It must have been very difficult for you.
LA: It was. And I told my teammates that if they didn't do what I had do too, I would crush them like vermin and they would be consigned to the dustbin of history.
OW: That must have been so inspiring for them. Then what?
LA: Well, I donated a bunch of money to organizations who could bust me for just trying to compete equally with everyone else. Just so they could buy nice new lab equipment though.
OW: That's so generous of you. So what happened next?
LA: Well, I kept on beating Europeans. And I'm American. So that's, like, better.
OW: So you inspired millions of young Americans to become cyclists. That's so inspiring. Now, there's something you're not telling us.
LA: Well, I didn't want to make a big deal out of it...
OW: That's so humble of you. But you started an incredibly successful organization dedicating to fighting cancer that inspired millions of people, didn't you?
LA: Well, yes. And I used that to shut up my critics. Who were Europeans, and a bunch of European-lovers, who also wear stupid spandex clothes, ride their bikes on the roads where there are supposed to be pickup trucks, and eat, like, these ridiculous tiny "energy gels" instead of barbecue.
OW: I love my yellow bracelet. But while you were inspiring millions, something was terribly wrong, wasn't it?
LA: Yes. Some of my teammates tried to have their own careers. With Europeans.
OW: That must have been heartbreaking.
LA: Yes (rubs chili pepper into eye again). Then, a bunch of other guys got busted for doping.
OW: Now, "doping," what is that?
LA: It's what I did better than anyone else. Because I'm American.
OW: That's fantastic. So why was that bad?
LA: Well, a bunch of bitter has-beens were out to get me. Just because I tried to destroy their lives for telling the truth about me.
OW: That must have been horrible for you.
LA: Yes. And then, I called Floyd Landis, Tyler Hamilton and Greg LeMond to apologize even though I hadn't done anything wrong, and they were totally mean to me.
LA: Well, they're--
OW: So you apologize for nothing to some people we've never heard of, and they were mean to you. How selfish and uncaring of them.
LA: It was.
OW: And yet you triumphed over that pain. That's so inspiring. Lance, let's lay it on the line for all the world to hear: is there anything else you want to tell us?
LA: Yes. I did this all for me. Me, ME, M--(Rolex-clad forearm appears from off-camera, whacks Lance upside the head)--my children. And my fans. And for America.
OW: Lance, thank you for sharing your story with us. It's very inspiring. And if you look under your chair, you'll find the keys to a BRAND NEW PRIUS!
LA: (Shrieks with delight and jumps up and down clapping his hands as credits roll)