Which can only mean one thing, dear reader(s): he's going for the I-couldn't-help-it-everyone-else-was-doing-it-I-was-just-trying-to-inspire-others-after-a-terrifying-illness-and-remarkable-comeback-so-now-you-can't-criticize-me-without-looking-like-a-colossal-!@#$wad-tearjerker-martyr-hero-gullible-fanboy-who-doesn't-give-a-rat's-!@#-about-cycling sympathy vote. Am I the only one who's just about two seconds and a strong personal sense of ladylike restraint away from hurling right now? Thought not! Still, it's gotta be tough faking your first human emotions, especially for the cameras, so in order to help Lance connect with the intended audience, I think he could use a few tips:
1. "I had a tough childhood." Who doesn't love kids?
2. "I discovered something I was good at." Self-esteem blossoms!
3. "Someone else believed in me." Validation!
4. "I worked really hard." He's grateful!
5. "I started winning, like, out of nowhere." Success!
6. "I hit the lowest of low points." Yes, and everyone, even everyone who hates you, is genuinely glad you're okay.
7. "I had to prove to myself I could do it." Yes, and everyone, even everyone who hates you, is genuinely glad you could.
8. "But I found out it wasn't so easy." Obstacles!
9. "Everyone else was doing it." Amoral European socialists!
10. "I trusted Johan." Vulnerability!
11. "He guided me." Lack of personal responsibility!
12. "It was the only way for a level playing field." Justification!
13. "I still beat them anyway." Proof you deserved it!
14. "I am so, so deeply sorry." Remorse!
15. "I've learned a precious lesson." Self-awareness!
16. "I hope to start anew." Redemption!
17. "For my family, for my fans, and all of cycling." Selflessness!
Well, Lance, that oughta tide you over, unless someone actually asks you to explain your years of vindictiveness, how it could possibly have been a level playing field with all your money power influence and doped-up superdomestiques, and your totally callous exploitation of others' sympathy for personal gain. And as you've surely considered carefully, that ain't gonna happen on Oprah. 'Til then, try not calling anyone a "liar" or a "whore," keep that $250,000 you offered to USADA in the bank, and you'll do juuuuuuuuuuuuust fine!