Saturday, January 28, 2012

My Fantasy CAS Press Conference

Good morning. We're here today, in response to significant criticism and in contravention to our usual policies, to discuss the repeated delays in the verdict in the Alberto Contador matter. First, let us state that nothing is more important that a careful, thorough, and impeccably fair resolution of this case/covering our !@#es since we're gonna piss someone important off no matter what we decide. Therefore, we are extremely grateful to both sides in this matter for their meticulous compilation of evidence/piling us with so much obfuscating bullhockey we can justify damn near anything.

There are other controversies which bear addressing, as well. As to RadioSkank's allegations that Bjarne Riis attempted to bribe the panel by deliberately holding training camp in Israel, home to one of our judges, such claims are not only outrageous and baseless, but slanderous/it's not like he pulled a Lance Armstrong and donated a !@#$load of incredibly expensive dope-testing equipment to our own lab for Chrissakes. And while we sympathize with the public frustration over the lack of a reliable test for the presence of plasticizers, we hope you'll understand that it would be patently unjust to allow or consider suspect evidence/it was totally an accident when we had all the scientists involved in the project grabbed outta their offices by black-booted thugs bundled into unmarked vans driven forty-six hours to an obscure foreign port and stuffed into shipping containers bound for Tibet. Last but not least, with regard to the sport's zero-tolerance policy on clenbuterol, that is a policy decision best left to the medical experts to whom we must respectfully defer/whaddaya want, a !@#damn ticker-tape parade every time you clowns successfully snort some masking agent?

We understand the broader implications of this decision, as well. Of course, we realize it may bother some people that Mr. Contador is free to compete and win in the Tour de San Luis while this matter remains unresolved/this whole sport looks like !@#$ when some clen-sucking slimeball is allowed to make the undoped riders look like concrete-legged weaklings and the whole cycling world a disgusting sham because we're too wussy to cough up a verdict. It's especially important that cyclists provide wholesome role models for young children/exact parameters for what other cheats can expect to get away with. Still, it behooves us all to remember that no sacrifice is too great for the cause of justice/Andy Schleck still wouldn't have won that 2010 yellow jersey he's jonesin' for anyway. In conclusion, we hope this scandal will be a flashpoint for open, honest discussion about the nature of and necessity for truly clean competition/be completely forgotten by everyone as soon as we release that Sinkewitz decision we know you've all been so desperately waiting for. Until then, we greatly appreciate your patience, understanding, and passionate commitment to the truth/not openly laughing your nuts off at us. Thank you all, and you can take any future questions and !@#$ them !@#$% *&^% !@#$%!

1 comment:

Doug said...

I'm sure Andy will find something to whine about whichever way the decision goes.