Yer 2012 Tour Down Under Roundup

1. Andre Greipel: it ain't just "!@#$ races" anymore.

2. Stuey O'Grady: forget his riding, or his awesomely going all Terminator on his chauffeur--it's the masterful way he reminded everyone how Robbie McEwen once head-butted him in a sprint while praising him as a new teammate and best bud. Give that boy a prize!

3. Breakaway artist Will Clarke: So wiped out by his first ProTour win he couldn't even lift his arm to pimp his sponsor's logo at the line. Here's hoping it's the first of many!

4. Versus (oh wait, now it's NBC Sports) coverage: Thanks. Really. But !@#$, was I the only one completely discombobulated by the truncated coverage and total lack of buildup of suspense? Give Phil and Paul some !@#damn airtime!

5. Jens Voigt: The man could run around stealing candy from babies, stomping on daffodils, and slashing all the tires in the peloton, and he'd *still* be a god. Jens, please--do ride for one more year!

6. Alessandro Petacchi: that was one punk-!@# ricochet across the field there. Salbutamol affecting your balance lately, or what?

7. GreenEdge: maybe if Cadel went there, Thor Hushovd wouldn't be totally screwed at BMC. Irrelevant to the Tour Down Under? Sure, but who cares--free Thor!

8. UCI: Ya can't just say "hold it" for 6 hours. Logistics, people!

9. Simon Gerrans: waaaaaaaaaaay classier to Valverde than he had to be. Alejandro Valverde: waaaaaaaaaaaay smart not to draw more attention to himself with an overall win. Good work Movistar!

10. Mark Cavendish: no, he didn't ride, but man, fatherhood has made him *soft*. Complimenting Greipel on a job well done? What the hell is happening to you, Cav?

Well folks, them's mine--onto Rasmussen's eternal quest to get back his 2007 Tour from that rotten little thief Contador!