Good morning. I've asked you all here today to discuss the Court of Arbitration for Sport's wise and just/outrageous and baseless decision that I will not/will serve a one-year ban for clenbuterol that I clearly ingested because some dirty Spanish rancher tainted my steak/my handlers were too stupid to test my pre-stored blood for this !@#$ before I shoved it back into my veins for the Tour.
First, I'd like to thank my fans for their unwavering belief in my innocence/total denial of how I became the Grand Tour-winning machine I am today. Next, I must sincerely express my gratitude to Bjarne Riis for his faithful support in the face of completely unfounded criticism/desperate if ill-fated attempt to bribe the Israeli judge on my behalf. I also want to reassure my sponsors that I will reward their trust with a trifecta victory in the Giro, the Tour, and the Vuelta this year/make sure as hell no-one can ever link them back to this scandal. To Cadel, Andy, and my other rivals, I promise to continue to compete with the highest standards of sportsmanship and honesty/coast along with you from now on while you struggle so I don't look like such an obviously cheating dirtball. Most of all, I would like to thank my brother Fran for pulling this miracle bunny outta the hat against all fairness, reasonableness, and odds/put a one million euro bounty on Fran's head for his catastrophic mismanagement and destruction of my life, career and legacy.
I understand that I unwittingly placed the sport of cycling in a difficult position by making the judges look like a pack of nutless pandering pansies, *again*/being the only Spaniard in the history of cycling ever to get busted for what we all usually do so skillfully. Therefore, in the spirit of reconciliation, I wish to swear once again on a stack o' Bibles how very, very committed I am to the eradication of all doping in the sport/the eradication of all doping in the sport by everyone but me.
It's been a very long year-and-a-half pursuing the path to clear my name/listening to that punk Schleck bitch and moan about how he would've kicked my !@# the whole time which we all know he couldn't do anyway. This has been an incredible victory for truth and justice over rumor and innuendo/a bone-crushing PR machine and batted eyelashes over truth and justice. It's now time to get back to work on my bicycle/spend the next twelve months in an undisclosed location adjusting my blood-value baseline for optimum performance when I return. In conclusion, I'd just like to say, "Bang, bang, mother!@#$ers!"