Valverde's Back...Uh, Anyone Else a Little Squicked Out By That?

"I Just Don't Believe It": yes, after several days of thrilling sprints, heroic breakaways, we love Oscar Freire's smashing face-whack to the ungrateful Rabobank, and some serious argy-bargy, notoriously unapologetic Op Puerto dirt-weasel/Spanish national hero Alejandro Valverde is back in rippin' form at the Santos Tour Down Under after his two-year, um, vacation, and, as even Alejandro verbalizes the same astonishment some of his compatriots must surely be feeling at his near-immediate win, Danny Pate is voicing his disgust on behalf of the peloton, tweeting "if this is the "new age" of cycling your name & superstar shouldn't be used in the same sentence when u r just back from a doping violation." Hey, David Millar's actually been back for quite a while, hasn't he, why pile on him all of a sudden? Anyhoo, here's the nail-bitin' return from exile:

Jens Gets Busted: no, not for that, you horrid monstrous slanderous heathen evil freaks--for, well, being rather in a state of in flagrante near the spectators, because sometimes, when nature calls, one just can't put it on hold. And hey, I get it--the thrilling sight o' Bobby Julich walking not an inch by me at the Giro into an orchard and the dawning understanding o'why was once just a bit too much for my delicate ladylike sensibilities to take. But !@#$, UCI, if you're gonna barbecue these poor bastards in 800 degree heat so they have to suck in a freakin' lake every ten minutes or vaporize into ash, ya can't (1) put up a few discreet roadside curtains or (2)cut 'em a little darn slack? Pat "Dick" McQuaid, get out yer wallet, you cheap bitter jerk, and hand Jens back his dough!

Look Who Else Is Back!: finally, Pat better get out the popcorn while he's at it, as thanks to CAS's relentlessly careful consideration of its verdict, his fave little elf Alberto Contador is ready to hit the tarmac at the Tour de San Luis. Enjoy it while it lasts, Alberto--then again, that might be til 2035 at the rate this shindig's going!