Tuesday, July 26, 2011

It's the 2011 Tour de France Racejunkie Awards!

Yes, folks another exciting and very strange Tour de France is behind us, and just as some guy with a truly terrifying pile o' chimp-thatched beer gut bouncing over his neon Speedo must run alongside the maillot jaune on a climb for half an hour searing our eyeballs on the queen stage, so must every Grand Tour have its accolades, which means it's time for the official, coveted 2011 Tour de France Racejunkie Awards! So before Contador gets his 2010 crown taken away somewhere after his great-grandkids turn 21, let's get right to the show:

Bawl Your Eyes Out Moment o' 2011: shut up, like you didn't too, you poseur: Tyler Farrar making a "W" with his hands (and damn near wobbling off his bike) as he crossed the line in his stage 3 victory. You rock, Tyler!

Doug and Wendy Whiner Award: wah, it's raining, wah, no-one-'s riding for me, wah, I don't like time trials, wah, it's not *fair* to make us descend at a Grand Tour, wah, wah, wah! Okay, Schleck brothers, everyone else can ride their bikes down the mountains, and we'll !@#damn buy you guys a jump rope so you can !@#damn *skip* down the Galibier next year. Will *that* shut you up once and for all? Great--it's a deal!

WTF Tactic of the Tour (Individual): not to dump on the guy, but Andy Schleck on the Plateau de Beille. If you're gonna take serious time outta Contador when he's not a knee-bashed weakling, or even when he is, 86 consecutive two-meter attacks ain't gonna do the job. Either go up, or stay home!

WTF Tactic of the Tour (Team): 4 GC leaders at RadioSkank? Leaving aside the unfortunately high attrition rate, which had nothing to do with this issue, what you get is 4 guys wringing themselves inside out before you've even picked a leader to ride for. Dang, Johan, what were you thinking?

Crash o' the Tour (Decisive): the hell with the Giro or Vladimir Karpets going all baseball-bat on Contador's kneecap--the race was over for half the riders--GC, stage, or bottle-carrier--on that ginormous pileup on stage 1. Brutal!

Crash o' the Tour (Just Plain Bummin'): oh, Vino, we hardly knew ye. It was only a matter of time in the Alps or Pyrenees before you scared the crap out of the peloton with your utterly random rippin' attacks and brought needle-bearing narcs down on you like vultures on carrion. What a lousy way to end your career--you *sure* you don't want to come back to piss off the French just *one* more time?

Crash o' the Tour (Irritating): crashes, actually--Jens Voigt on the descent o' the whatsit. I'm not sure, but just for a *second* there I thought I could hear cursing in German. We love Jens--and tarmac fears him!

Boy Wonder o' the Race: I was thinking Jelle Vanendert--in large part because if he captured the maillot jaune I thought "Mellow Jelle"'d be a bitchin' nickname-- but this one really goes to smashing Canadian export Ryder Hesjedal, who never saw a break he wouldn't be in. You looked awesome, Ryder--I can't wait to see what you do in the future!

It's a Bird, It's a Plane Prize: holy crap, no, it's one-hit-Grand-Tour-wonder/very fine Classics man Damiano Cunego, locking in a top-seven spot! What's next, the guy wins the Giro again?--watch out Ivan Basso, he's getting his mojo back!

No Guts No Glory Award: indisputably, Thomas "Savior of French Dignity" Voeckler. And no, given the guy's agonized gasping at the top of Alpe d'Huez and pretty well every other damn stage he held the jersey in, I'm not suggesting a damn thing. It's the sort of thing that gives a cynical fan hope again. Now listen Voeckler, don't !@#$ it up!

Mountain Do o' the Tour: Hors categorie, Thor, you are just the *man.* Forget six stellar days in the yellow jersey: two mountain stage wins, when a big lug like yourself by all rights oughtn't be able to climb anything bigger'n a speed bump? Woo-hoo Thor!

Euskaltel Are Gods Award: well, okay, not so much a prize, as a simple statement o' fact. Now bow before the altar of Samuel Sanchez, you lowly swine!

Slow 'n' Steady Wins the Race: okay, the man doesn't shoot up a climb like Lance on--um, on a bike. On a bike, Lance, honest! But he knows exactly what he's doing in a tactical sense, he doesn't let the Worst-Timed-Mechanical-Ever hold him back, and he's a freakin' beast against the clock. Cadel Evans, it couldn't have happened to a more deserving guy. "Advance Australia Fair" is *right*, baby!

Bait'n'Switch Prize o' 2011: I honestly thought Mark Cavendish's total personality transplant had this one in the bag, but the Schleck's 180 from 24/7 crybabies to Best Sports Ever (to Cadel, anyway) pipped him at the Champs-Elysees. Hey, Cav, doesn't that count as cutting you off?--you sending Renshaw up there to bust some !@$@$s or what?

Missing the Point Award: UCI has zero--ZERO, you hear me?--tolerance for doping at this year's Tour. So what are they gonna do about it? That's right, you cheating sons o' beetches, they're gonna go after--um, Jan Ullrich? Who was implicated in Operacion Puerto half a decade ago. Who retired soon thereafter. Who's barely ridden his bike since then except for a few wholly laudable kids' charity rides. You go, UCI--the Doping Skankwad Class of 2011 appreciates your ignoring them!

And Finally, Rock-'Em-Sock-'Em Robot Award of the Tour: y'know, Alberto Contador may be a lot of things, but a wuss isn't one of 'em. Pow, you !@#$%%$!

Well, them's mine for this year, and I'm sure there's some poor sod out there to whom I failed to do justice. In which case, humblest apologies, and never fear, o also-rans--you'll have your chance for immortality in 2012!


Rosemary said...

Love your Awards presentation!!!

Did I miss an award to Hoogerland? I think he got more non-cycling fans talking about cycling than ever before. Personally, I think he should hit the world talk show circuit and show people how tough those guys really are!

And if anyone could ride a race with a broken femur, I really thought it would be Vino.

PJ said...

Great! As usual.

Wielsucker said...

Couldn't find a prize for Scar-assed Hoogerland?

Doug said...

Best Tour Post Award to Racejunkie! And yes, Johnnie Hoogerland deserves the Hardman Award.

Anonymous said...

That poor sod that wasn't done justice was Hoogerland.