Thursday, March 03, 2011

My Fantasy Alberto Contador Press Conference

Good morning. I've called you all here today to break my sworn silence for the first time since I was falsely accused of doping at the 2010 Tour de France (brother/manager Fran whispers in ear). What? I've been complaining to the media every day? In that case, I've called you all here today because I haven't called you all here today since yesterday.

First, I'd like to address my defense to the minute amounts of clenbuterol found in my body. As we all know, this came from those leftover blood bags from the Tour de Suisse I thought were--(Fran whacks upside the head)--*ow!* I mean, from a tainted steak purchased in Spain for which we have the receipt. And if that doesn't hold up, we also have the receipt from the potatoes I ate that night as a side dish, because, as my team chef assures me, those things were so freakishly huge clen was obviously used to bulk those suckers *up*. I would like to point out to UCI and WADA, as they review my file in the desperate hope they can let me off the hook for this deba--(Fran pinches Alberto's arm)--Mo-om! Fran's pinching me!--review my file with all due objectivity, that the very fact that zero cows in a Spanish barnyard population of 36 million have ever tested poz actually proves my innocence, because obviously, no cow ever tested positive because obviously I ate the very one that *was* positive before it could be tested for clenbuterol. How do you like *them* apples, you doubters?!

Second, I'd like to address the issue of the plasticizer residue allegedly found in my blood that exactly chemically matches the plasticizers used in the high-grade medical equipment my soigneur purchased from that guy in the hoodie off the back of that tru--(Fran kicks sharply in shins)--ouch, quit it Fran!--I mean, found in IV tubing exclusively stored in locked vaults in hospitals. Mainly, that there's no UCI or WADA-approved test for it yet, so you can't get me. Nyeah nyeah nyeah nyeah nyeah! Also, the reason it got there anyway even if it *did* get there anyway is because, as you all know, every time I do well on a training ride, Fran lets me have my Sunny D juice box with a Silly Straw. Look, my new one's blue--isn't that keen?

Third, I want to remind everyone of three things: (1) if you criticize someone with a preexisting medical condition for the totally unrelated defense of doping, you're a heartless !@#hole; (2) if you criticize someone who performs genuinely noble charitable work, you're a heartless !@#hole; and (3) in light of the fact that I'm doing this for *all* cyclists, primarily because I don't want to race against the rest of those drug-stoked dirtbags clean myse--(Fran pinches arm hard)--Mo-om! Fran's pinching me!--I ask you to give *my* protestations of innocence the same respect and credence you gave Floyd Landis, !@#$, I mean, Lance Armstrong. Did I mention I just donated $500,000 in cutting-edge laboratory equipment to UCI?

In conclusion, I'd like to remind you that I am just as cute if not even cuter than Ivan Basso, you big meanies made my parents cry, and most of all I want to thank the national cycling federation of Spain for having the strictest, most effective rider-protection sca--(Fran noogies Alberto's head violently)--I am *so* going to make Bjarne Riis beat the crap out of you Fran!--anti-doping program in the world. How else to explain that in the 852 "false" positives in the Spanish peloton in 2010 alone, there's never been a single conviction? Now *that's* due process, baby (Fran hustles Alberto out of room with cattle prod)!

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