Cavendish, Cavendish, Wherefore Art Thou, Cavendish?

Disappoint Thy Lead-Out, And Confuse Thy Train: okay, so HTC-Columbia ain't panicking "yet" at the middling performance of fastest-man-on-earth Mark Cavendish so far this season, which must be why they're already also pegging Matt Goss as a protected rider for this weekend's festivities. And sure, his main 2011 goal of slaughtering every rival at the Giro, Tour and Vuelta is still some months away. But it's only a coupla days 'til Milano-Sanremo, baby, and with Tom Boonen at least having the excuse of the flu for being down, and Cav openly having touted his desire to crush the Classics as well, someone's gotta ask: you're gonna scare the likes of Freire, McEwen, and Hushovd with *that* crap show at Tirreno? How the hell can you insult everyone who helps you in your inevitable post-race no-brains interview meltdown if you're too far back at the line for anybody to want to talk to you anyway? Oh, Mark, you're just too entertaining to implode...here, this picture oughta fire you up!

Leave the Gun, Take the Cannoli: uh, oh, UCI, better watch out: according to WADA, the "criminal underworld" is gaining control of the lucrative doping trade in pro sports, and if you guys !@#$ with their cash flow, they're gonna get *pissed.* Gee, maybe Alberto Contador is innocent after all, and surely all this whining and moaning about "CERA this" and "performance-enhancing" that really *is* just a buncha losers mad that they just plain can't win races. Here, let's flush that silly urine sample, Pat--that is, if you *like* having functioning kneecaps!

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Evans: y'know, the man ain't flashy. But then--and this from a guy whose historically dull wheel-sucking would've been annoying if it hadn't been so snooze-inducing--Cadel strikes, and while Scarponi and Nibali sit up like dithering tactical blockheads on the penultimate stage of Tirreno-Adriatico just yards from the line, he sneaks up and grabs the stage, and, for all intents and purposes, the overall win. So Ivan Basso sez he's not afraid of either Contador or Schleck in July? Fine--but he's an eejit if he's not at least a little scared of Cadel! Here's the move, just wait out the ad:

Ten-Four, Big Wanker: finally, over in race-radio news, the doper-enabler favoritism-junkies over at UCI are reportedly considering a compromise to allow genuine safety info, at least, to be immediately transmitted to the riders, which, I believe, makes particular sense for races on French soil. Anyone else envision the race commissaire grabbing the radio just to scream "!@#dammit, FDJ, if one of you weaklings don't take at least one race this season to salvage our national dignity you're gonna be taken out back of Sarkozy's garage like a rabid raccoon and shot!" Now *that's* a valid safety concern, dear reader(s)--"avoiding a 20-rider pileup" is the least of their problems!