Don't Do It, Alberto! And, There's No More Doping in the Peloton

What the Hell Are You Thinking, Contador?: yes, the speculation on where wee starlet Alberto is gonna land continue, and while the child gets enormous bonus points for not stupidly extending with Astana as his bro had suggested, what the !@#$ is he thinking about oozing around with Bjarne Riis next season? Look, I love CSC/Saxo Bank/Whoever Bjarne's Hinting About. And to be sure, with a multiple-Grand-Tour winning leader and a still-solid domestique selection even if the Schleck boys decimate the ranks next season, it's surely a better choice than that crazed puppetmaster Vinokourov. But (1) am I the only one who remembers how relentlessly crappily Bjarne treated poor we love Carlos Sastre after Carlos WON HIM A TOUR DE FRANCE for heck's sake, so what makes Contador think he'll get any slack if he ever has another off-day in his life; and (2) is there a reason Alberto doesn't already have a gigantic "I HEART CAISSE D'EPARGNE" tattoed in day-glo ink on his buttocks? As it happens, I adore the brilliant LL Cool Sanchez, and indeed, still think he can win the Tour de France one day. But at the moment his heart--and legs--seem to be with the noble one-day or shorter stage races, and you already know that if he promises to work for you, he will. Geez, Contador, you want a permanent, talented, endlessly-well-paid supply of nut-busting Spanish backup or not? Sign, you nit--sign!

RadioSkank Hits the Skids: man, if Lance "All the Dopers I Hired Totally Coincidentally Only Started Doping After They Left Me" Armstrong weren't having a crappy enough month, now fine young Chinese protege Fuyu Li's B-sample test for Clenbuterol has come up positive, and somehow, loyalest-pal-to-his-domestiques-ever Lance doesn't seem to be swooping to his defense yet. Y'know, not to suggest Joh--I mean, Fuyu's a *total* blockhead or anything, but isn't this the same asthma crap half the peloton easily gets a Therapeutic Use Exemption for to snarf a gas-tank's worth of every day just for politely breathing in-and-out once for the UCI enabler-tools at their annual physical? Damn, boy, if you're gonna do it, do it like a *pro*, not some junior-high-school dumb!@# trying to hide the 5 beers he just drank from his parents by popping a couple of Altoids!

The Collapse of the Roman Empire: in Italian doping news, meanwhile, as Davide Rebellin gets ready to pony up his Olympic medal in shame, erstwhile 2009 King of the Mountains playboy Franco of the Euromullet Pellizotti, having earlier been dissed by his own national federation, now has to beg the Court of Arbitration for Sport not to dethrone 'im on bio passport irregularity grounds, meaning that, one imagines, not only is this pretty serious !@#$ if the Italians are actually nailing one of their own instead of still shrieking on about Valverde, but somewhere, Ivan Basso is popping champagne. Whoops, there he is already!

Yup, That's Nero Fiddling, Alright: over at Lampre, of course, who never met a dope fiend they didn't like unless he couldn't win 'em a race without getting caught for it, long-term miscreant Michele Scarponi--who has, in what I'm sure is simply a miracle of genetic superiority, gotten exponentially better as he's aged since his most recent bust--is heading for Lampre as its premiere three-week racer, as adorable Classics man Damiano Cunego finally embraces his destiny and slinks off for a team that won't put all that pressure on a boy who, after all, has openly sported a "no doping" tat on his arm for all to see. Apparently already determined: the fate of green jersey champ (shut up!) Alessandro Petacchi, who just won a race this weekend even as he sensibly clams up for the cops in his own investigation for prohibited substances. Lampre's loyalty to its beseiged racers is really quite admirable, don't you think?

And Finally, A Word From The Racejunkie Like Anyone Gives a Rat's !@# Department: Samu Sanchez rode the Tour to 4th place with a fracture, and dear little Carlos Sastre sez he's gonna ride the Vuelta a Espana. Y'know, it's in Spain, it's three weeks long...would it helped if I mentioned Mark Cavendish is gonna ride it?...