Wednesday, August 04, 2010

La La La La, I Can't *Hear* You!

No, Levi, No!: all right, you heard it: former Gerolsteiner head honcho Hans-Michael "Rider-Pimping Scum" Holczer has accused Levi Leipheimer of blood manipulation during the 2005 Tour, totally coincidentally doing so in, and to promote the sales of, his spankin' new book on the peloton's evils. First, not that this vindicates Levi in any way (or is anything other than a wholly irrelevant gutless attack, for that matter), it's awfully ironic for a guy who was apparently gobsmacked by Levi's blood values to have a wunk of his guys subsequently busted after he presumably laid down a zero-tolerance don't-humiliate-me-or-this-dying-squad-further mandate. Second, it is clear that if anything remotely happened involving Levi, of which I am and shall remain in complete Herasian irrational denial, he was clearly had to have been more whipped than a hard-core latex-suited writhing handcuffed dominatrix customer to do it. Shockingly, nothing about the accusations has been mentioned on Team RadioSkank's official website, but then again, I imagine the next news they're *gonna* post is that Levi's been discarded faster than one of Lance's freshly-hard-worked chamois. Oh, *why*, despite the obvious pointless of my shaken-but-still-existing faith, do I continue to be taken in by *anyone* in this skankpool of a sport? Say it ain't so, Levi--and any of you mother!@#$&*! try to tell me there's no Easter Bunny, either, and you are going *down*!

Bjarne Vinokourov Wigs Out: yeah, you read right--just as I thought I'd snarfed enough, um, smelling salts to get over Saxo Bank's signing of Alberto Contador for the next two years, Bjarne proves there actually *is* someone in cycling wingnut enough to outdo the spectacularly erratic Alexander Vinokourov, both by declaring that he wants Alberto to be the first man to win the Giro, Tour and Vuelta in one season, and by apparently laying out the welcome mat for beloved Tour King of the Mountains alleged dope-fiend Michael "Feed Me!" Rasmussen. Bjarne, are you *nuts*? First, as treasured reader PJ pointed out, our brilliant and indefatigable Contador had a small and subtle series of ailments and mishaps this spring that damn near cost him the Tour alone--you really think he's gonna get through a whole *season* without even the slightest hit to his performance? And if he does, do you have some burning desire to let your inevitably-legendary monster cash-cow to wreck his body a a la Sastre for months to come? Yes, he's the greatest cyclist of his generation, but (unlike, say, Vino), the boy is not a freakin' cyborg! Second, I stick to my assessment that Michael Rasmussen, loathesome as he may be, was ludicrously screwed out of a Tour win after those hypocrite pigs at UCI and Rabobank let him ride for 2 1/2 weeks and virtually take the thing in Paris while knowing full well the entire time he'd missed doping controls before the Tour even began, but that said, UCI's still got it in for him, and if there isn't anything about that scenario that makes you the slightest bit concerned UCI and the race organizers will go all Astana on your !@# if you even hire that damaged goods, I can't help you. Just let Alberto bring on his trusted domestiques and give the kid some *peace* already!

Don't Judge a Book By It's Cover: finally, not that appearances matter or anything, but I'd just ask both my faithful readers to--solely in the interests of fairly evaluating the new doping allegations, of course--consider whose face they trust more: Hans-Michael's , or Levi's. I'm just sayin'!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

While I hope Levi didn't/doesn't dope, I wonder what the outcome of the latest investigation will be. Supposedly, someone from Postal past is talking to the Feds. Will the entire Armstrong group be brought down? And, I can't help but think that Armstrong passed up a wonderful opportunity to have a glorious and respectable future as a great legend and team director. He could stand with Merx and Hinault, etc, as an inspiration, instead of---well you know what.