Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Alberto Contador: Definitely Getting Smarter

Bjarne Buys 'em All: indeed, after seasons of less-than-stellar decisions, including believing Lance "I Am God" Armstrong when the legend (and legendary wank) said he'd work for him at the Tour de France, Alberto Contador's finally acquiring the brains to match his sheer talent: not only has he freed himself from Vinokourov's psycho clutches, but in the very same year, as Saxo Bank implodes around him, the boy has also gotten his new boss to sign a sweet wad of his fave Spanish superdomestiques, including the man who really did save him in the high passes this year, Daniel "You Better Be Giving Him a !@#damn Raise, Bjarne!" Navarro. Oh, our pretty little little twerp savant is growing up at last--I'm so proud, aren't you?

The Cobra Slithers In: in other team-signing news, tho' Lampre's already managed to hire up a good half of cycling's ex-dopers for 2011, after a bloody season back from his doping ban at the wee Ceramica-Flaminia squad, odious Tour de France scum-weasel wuss-boy Riccardo Ricco' is being seriously courted by teams from Vacansoleil to Quick Step, with QS guru Patrick Lefevere sensibly asking, in response to some equivocation over the boy's potential contract, "what's the difference between hiring him and hiring Ivan Basso?" Well, morally, zip, but in terms of pure bearability, Patrick, one's a loathesome, cowardly crybaby who ran quivering and wailing behind his mama's skirts and cyclocross fiance's bike shorts, then snivelingly admitted his accusers were right, then literally shot up to high altitude to escape from his baby-mama and dropped her like a glass of warm snot when *she* got in hot water for the exact same thing and needed *his* unwavering support, and the other is a teen-dream pinup who at least had the sense to fake humility, hire a truly smashing PR squad, and not win *too* ostentatiously immediately upon his return from his ban. Arrghh, I can't *stand* that Tom Boonen is gonna have to ride with this Eddie Haskel of the peloton! Ugh, can he at *least* not dress for the tryouts in a Devo tribute band...

Pigs Sweat, We Glow: speaking of anti-doping, so I'm taking an evening stroll past the glowing-blue Amgen "EPO Tour of California" corporate HQ on a warm 'n' lovely recent night, when suddenly per the snapshot below, it hits me: no wonder riders keep getting busted for CERA, that !@#$ is *radioactive*! Oh, well, what's a mutant extra limb or, say, testicle compared to a jacked-up, one-for-the-history-books palmares, right boys? IMAG0092

Yard Sale Find o' the Century: and, if this isn't some colossally wise-!@# cosmic joke, look whose bike just went for an impressive $5 at a yard sale: yes, former Tour de France 'winner' Floyd Landis. Oh, the ignominy....

Is That Vultures Circling?: finally, it's on a rather somber note that I remind you fellow bike fans not to look for defending champ Lance Armstrong at Leadville this weekend, as our fine gent (1) is still recovering from his hip injury from the Tour de France and (2) wants to spend more time with his family before the kids head back to school. Of course, since I was raised to be a lady, I won't be so rude as to point out that half the riders from the Tour have been winning crits the last two weeks with excruciatingly unhealed broken bones for heck's sake, nor that it would not have been news to even the most clueless parent months ago as he planned the end of his cycling season that summer vacation tends to wind down towards, y'know, August. But at least we know it's not that Lance is battening down the hatches as more and more of his teammates rat him out to the narcs!

1 comment:

Tom said...

You forgot Basso's most redeeming trait, "has a smokin'azz hot sister".