Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Welcome to the 2010 Tour de France, Baby!

Yes, dear newbies and oldies alike, Lance Armstrong has announced this is his final Tour, Versus is gonna pimp 'im for all he's worth, you don't want to miss it anyway, and it's time for the Grand Boucle! So having done buckets o' glossaries and other intros throughout the years--archived in late Junes past--this year I'm gonna cut right to it: meet our overall contenders! Caveat: for those of you playing fantasy Tour de France at work, please note that since my predictions constantly blow and you can thereby reliably bet against my picks, I fully expect an obscenely huge cut of the massive amount of dough you're about to win. So here goes!

Ivan Basso & Liquigas: Ivan just won the Giro, a year after his return from his doping ban, and has a great squad to back him up. Two potential issues: (1) he could be too tired from the Giro to win the Tour; and (2) in a complete pansy move, his squad wussed out and dropped last year's King of the Mountains Franco "Euromullet" Pellizotti because of an ongoing controversy over his cleanliness and because he's a rival to Basso, so Ivan is short a climber. Prediction: podium or top five.

Carlos Sastre & Cervelo: wee climber Carlos killed his back in the Giro and sez he's fit to ride but the team's had its knee on his neck and I think he's hosed. We love Carlos tho'--he won the Tour in 2008. Team's also split talentwise b/c they're backing Thor Hushovd, who will triumph, for the green jersey hunt. Top ten.

Cadel Evans & BMC: he's always 2nd in the Tour & historically allergic to attacking but since he got his World Champ stripes, he's got wings. Unfortunately, w/the exception of hyperexperienced ex-Lance lieutenant big George Hincapie, he ain't got the squad to back him up. Top 5.

Christian Van de Velde & Garmin: great rider, crashed out again at key training ground Giro d'Italia, smashing team, damn good sport who kindly answered my question at Interbike re: how the poor riders feel when naked freak publicity-seeking fans run alongside 'em screaming when they're trying to ride their race. Top 10.

Andy Schleck & Saxo Bank: big bro/protector Frank should take a stage and w/him and the dynamite we love Jens Voigt to blow apart the helpless peloton at will, Andy's in good hands. Excellent climber but this season? A bit rough around the edges. I'm rooting for him anyway for the top spot in Paris. Go baby Schleck! Podium.

Lance Armstrong & Radio Shack: Lance has the huge advantage of the strongest and, more importantly, psychologically-whipped team in the universe and didn't win 7 tours being an idiot. Weak spot: age. He's lost the legs to surge. But if anyone can, he can. If not, I predict catastrophic "stomach troubles." Podium.

Alberto Contador & Astana: so-so squad, wingnut mentor in crazed ex-doper Alexander Vinokourov, but best stage racer in the world. Weakness: could be out in the 1st few days if he crashes on the cobblestone stages, at which he ruthlessly sucks. If not, virtually unbeatable--he can float like a butterfly (and sting like a bee) up the high passes. Ugh, the final win in Paris--can Bernard Hinault do us all a favor and tackle *him* into the pavement if he makes that annoying pistol-shot move again?

Samuel Sanchez & Euskaltel: aiming for stages & a good result for Samu'. Lords of the climbs, look for their wiry tiny bodies and their hysterical rabid fans in orange in the mountains. Top 10 and a stage for Samu'. Shut up!

Denis Menchov & Rabobank: sorry, but I've still completely unjustly got it in for the little bastard because he was awarded a Vuelta win after we still love so go to hell Roberto Heras was busted for EPO. Fine stage racer but don't seem to have it this season--I honestly don't get the fuss. Plus Rabobank has Oscar Freire in the green jersey hunt--certainly a distraction. Top ten my !@#!

Brad Wiggins & Team Sky: Always good but completely rebuilt his body and just came outta nowhere last year--a lean, mean, pedaling machine. Sky's brand-new and already winning damn near everything it enters--look for a few stage wins at least. There's *one* British team that don't bite!

Well, dear readers, them's my thoughts, and before the slobbering hypnotized Lance zombies slog out of the woodwork to dope-slap me again for my ignorance and perfidy, I'd just like to reassure you fans, Lance *still* acted like a !@#$in' punk last year. Here's to good sportsmanship, and a great (and cleanish) Tour!

1 comment:

Tom said...

Heh heh heheheh, she said "bastard"! Heh.