Sunday, June 27, 2010

My Fantasy Team Astana Pre-Tour Pep Talk

Alberto Contador:

Good morning. As you know, we're here today because Alexander Vinokourov promised to have his goons literally rip my legs off if I even tried to breach the contract I so stupidly si--I mean, because it's only a few days to the Grand Boucle, and boy am I excited to be riding it with the fabulous Team Astana for 2010!

First, I'd like to assure my good friend Vino that I was *not* trying to escape the hotel last night when I dressed up like a ninja, cut the power to the entire floor, jimmied the deadbolt to my room, knocked out my Kazakh security guard with a lamp base, ran down the hallway and took a head-first diver into the laundry shaft. I merely got lost on the way to the bathroom. Second, I want to assure everyone that I am absolutely in top form for this race. Not only have I been practicing my patented "pistolero" move in front of the mirror 21 hours a day for the last month and a half, I've also been working closely with my manager to determine my most becoming angle for the daily sign-in photo shoots, refining my podium-babe triple-kiss *and* training 15 minutes every single morning and afternoon, which leaves me a full two hours a day for sleeping, eating, and attending to personal bodily functions. Take that, Armstrong you "hard-working" poseur!

Now, let's talk about team strategy. The first strategy is, you half-wit backwards no-talents !@#$ this up for me and I swear I'll hunt you down like rabbits. Next, as you might imagine, each of you is committed to a particular task. Vino, all I ask of you is that you please lay off the juice or at least not beat the major GC contenders to the line by 36 minutes every stage when you've got a visible needle-hole in your arm unless you're gonna cover it up discreetly before the sign-in with a bandage for your "road rash." Iglinskiy--your job is to hijack one of those road-repair trucks in the dead of night and cover all the pave with tarmac, 'cause let's face it, I don't care if Peter Van Petegem carries me over that !@#$ cradled in his arms like a baby, we all know I'm still gonna get killed. Why you? Because you !@#$ing Kazakhs got me into this hellhole, that's why! De La Fuente, Hernandez, Noval, Navarro--once I drop your !@#es in the mountains, you're gonna stick with Lance, Cadel, Ivan & the Schlecks, and while I don't want anything to happen to the Schleck brothers 'cause everyone seems to somehow like them so much, and Basso's just as pretty as I am so marring that level of beauty would really be a disservice to the sport, if Lance accidentally punctures a wheel on every critical climb because of the sudden appearance of tacks totally coincidentally thrown under his wheel by some unknown cheap-shot sabotaging personage who won't rat me out as the instigator, I'm not gonna cry my eyes over it afterwards, either. Tiralongo, Grivko--you're in charge of laundr--I mean, providing essential domestique services in varied terrain. Now, I've heard some whining over "why isn't Oscar Pereiro here after both of you said he would be," "isn't leaving him off the Tour squad a crappy way of paying him back for all the hard work he's done for you"--whatever. He's out because, not only is he completely intentionally "focusing on the Vuelta" this year of his own free will and an enormous payout from an offshore bank account, I don't want him getting any stupid ideas about team captaincy because of his 2006 Tour de France "victory." Next jerk who brings that up again joins 'im!

Last but not least, I'd like to say how truly happy and proud I am to be riding with each and every one of you, so long as you--with the exception of Benjamin Noval of course--don't talk to me, my soigneur, my mechanic, or my masseuse, stay at the same floor of the hotel as me, expect the "team" chef to be allowed to cook for you peons, dine at the same restaurant, use the same team bus, look at my bikes, or try to climb up on the podium with me in Paris for the "team" classification award. Now let's get out there and win m--I mean, the great Team Astana--another Tour!


Tom said...

It's nice to see that his time with Lance at least taught him a little something.

Rosemary said...

Yes, perhaps he'll even leave a team mate at the hotel without transportation to the ITT.