Jens Voigt Explains It All

Jeeeeeeennnnnnsssss!: look, I feel very, very sorry for Bjarne Riis. After watching 3/4 of his squad bail only to replace it with the hugest, doe-eyed-est cash-cow the cycling world has ever seen, only to have said cow squirming under the thumb of a giganto doping investigation, the poor guy can't be feeling exactly on top of the world right now. And in fact, I feel so sorry for Bjarne I won't even remind him it's clearly planetary-justice karma for him being a wanker to dear little Carlos Sastre after he won him a freakin' Tour de France a ways back. But if Jens Voigt sez he had a good reason for leaving Saxo for baby Schleck's new squad--and even if he sez it's just like being his old team, except with different jerseys and, y'know, a slight change in management--then that's damn well good enough for me. Oh, and if you're *really* worried you're just gonna end up "the boring, established rider who takes a paycheck and says 'Yeah, I'll do whatever you want'--with all due respect, lay off the java for a while, o godly one, we all know *that* ain't gonna happen. Sorry, Bjarne--and bow, peons!

Cowabunga, Dude!: speaking o' Contador, it's good news and bad news for our jailbait (maybe jailbound) dreamboat as Spain arrests 34 evildoers connected with unlawful clenbuterol distribution 'n' use--including, apparently, some nefarious weasel funneling the stuff to innocent cattle. Yeah, Bessie thought that internet !@#$ was a harmless supplement--and look what it did to my damn career! I wonder if one *can* sue a steer (or his estate, anyway) in Spain...

Uh, Oh, Ivan!: man, not only does posterstud Ivan Basso have that up-n-coming Nibali to worry about--with Franco Pellizotti off the hook for his bio-passport prob (at least til UCI appeals it) and, presumably, back at Liquigas, now Ivan's gonna have to convince an insanely pissed-off, entirely season-deprived superclimber teammate to domestique 'im at the Grand Tours between depositions in his monster lost-earnings suit against UCI. Y'know, class, I think we all learned from the Armstrong/Contatwerp Astana debacle that you can only have so many princesses vying for the prince (maillot jaune, whatever) at the ball. Hell, with these two's primping you'll be lucky to get 'em out of the ladies' room in one piece--good luck, and if it comes to fisticuffs, for god's sake Ivan don't mess up Pellizotti's hair!

And You Thought Lampre's Outfits Were Chic: well, they ain't anymore, and neither are those lame, say, ultra-aero time-trial helmets, because according to cicloweb, the hot new protecto-trend for the pro peloton 2011 is: air bags! Yeah, just try to head-butt me in the sprint, pal--when you bounce off this sucker and into the barriers like a rag doll you are gonna *pay*!

"God bedring", Thor!: at least, I *hope* I'm wishing him "get well soon" in Norwegian as opposed to, oh, insulting his mother or committing hell-bound blasphemy, but anyway, holy-crap-he's-the-new-world-champion! we love Thor Hushovd's finally fixed that pesky collarbone and is well on track to humiliate Mark Cavendish and any nit who dares challenge him in the Classics next year. Se deg snart, you big lug--and if that means something I didn't intend, please don't hurt me!

Welcome to the 2010 Tour de France, Baby!

Yes, dear newbies and oldies alike, Lance Armstrong has announced this is his final Tour, Versus is gonna pimp 'im for all he's worth, you don't want to miss it anyway, and it's time for the Grand Boucle! So having done buckets o' glossaries and other intros throughout the years--archived in late Junes past--this year I'm gonna cut right to it: meet our overall contenders! Caveat: for those of you playing fantasy Tour de France at work, please note that since my predictions constantly blow and you can thereby reliably bet against my picks, I fully expect an obscenely huge cut of the massive amount of dough you're about to win. So here goes!

Ivan Basso & Liquigas: Ivan just won the Giro, a year after his return from his doping ban, and has a great squad to back him up. Two potential issues: (1) he could be too tired from the Giro to win the Tour; and (2) in a complete pansy move, his squad wussed out and dropped last year's King of the Mountains Franco "Euromullet" Pellizotti because of an ongoing controversy over his cleanliness and because he's a rival to Basso, so Ivan is short a climber. Prediction: podium or top five.

Carlos Sastre & Cervelo: wee climber Carlos killed his back in the Giro and sez he's fit to ride but the team's had its knee on his neck and I think he's hosed. We love Carlos tho'--he won the Tour in 2008. Team's also split talentwise b/c they're backing Thor Hushovd, who will triumph, for the green jersey hunt. Top ten.

Cadel Evans & BMC: he's always 2nd in the Tour & historically allergic to attacking but since he got his World Champ stripes, he's got wings. Unfortunately, w/the exception of hyperexperienced ex-Lance lieutenant big George Hincapie, he ain't got the squad to back him up. Top 5.

Christian Van de Velde & Garmin: great rider, crashed out again at key training ground Giro d'Italia, smashing team, damn good sport who kindly answered my question at Interbike re: how the poor riders feel when naked freak publicity-seeking fans run alongside 'em screaming when they're trying to ride their race. Top 10.

Andy Schleck & Saxo Bank: big bro/protector Frank should take a stage and w/him and the dynamite we love Jens Voigt to blow apart the helpless peloton at will, Andy's in good hands. Excellent climber but this season? A bit rough around the edges. I'm rooting for him anyway for the top spot in Paris. Go baby Schleck! Podium.

Lance Armstrong & Radio Shack: Lance has the huge advantage of the strongest and, more importantly, psychologically-whipped team in the universe and didn't win 7 tours being an idiot. Weak spot: age. He's lost the legs to surge. But if anyone can, he can. If not, I predict catastrophic "stomach troubles." Podium.

Alberto Contador & Astana: so-so squad, wingnut mentor in crazed ex-doper Alexander Vinokourov, but best stage racer in the world. Weakness: could be out in the 1st few days if he crashes on the cobblestone stages, at which he ruthlessly sucks. If not, virtually unbeatable--he can float like a butterfly (and sting like a bee) up the high passes. Ugh, the final win in Paris--can Bernard Hinault do us all a favor and tackle *him* into the pavement if he makes that annoying pistol-shot move again?

Samuel Sanchez & Euskaltel: aiming for stages & a good result for Samu'. Lords of the climbs, look for their wiry tiny bodies and their hysterical rabid fans in orange in the mountains. Top 10 and a stage for Samu'. Shut up!

Denis Menchov & Rabobank: sorry, but I've still completely unjustly got it in for the little bastard because he was awarded a Vuelta win after we still love so go to hell Roberto Heras was busted for EPO. Fine stage racer but don't seem to have it this season--I honestly don't get the fuss. Plus Rabobank has Oscar Freire in the green jersey hunt--certainly a distraction. Top ten my !@#!

Brad Wiggins & Team Sky: Always good but completely rebuilt his body and just came outta nowhere last year--a lean, mean, pedaling machine. Sky's brand-new and already winning damn near everything it enters--look for a few stage wins at least. There's *one* British team that don't bite!

Well, dear readers, them's my thoughts, and before the slobbering hypnotized Lance zombies slog out of the woodwork to dope-slap me again for my ignorance and perfidy, I'd just like to reassure you fans, Lance *still* acted like a !@#$in' punk last year. Here's to good sportsmanship, and a great (and cleanish) Tour!

Please Don't Hurt Me!

Mystery Press Release o' the Week: so Alejandro Valverde, one might surmise, oughta have as his absolute top priority keeping his dirty doping carcass in the peloton at the moment, but what's he doing instead? Inexplicably, issuing desperate press releases swearing, out of nowhere, that he did not so either rat out one of his own teammates to the narcs as being the owner of Operacion Puerto blood bag #18, previously linked to Valverde, when he was being tortured, I mean subject to advanced interrogation techniques, by the investigating authorities in order to save his own butt. Now, I don't know who Valverde could've ratted out that he'd have to be afraid of, but just looking at the 2006 team presentation photos it appears that Vladimir Karpets at least (who I have no reason to suggest ever ever did anything remotely wrong, so please don't hurt me either) is big enough to snap him in two...

Guess Who's (Not) Coming To Dinner?: so Team RadioSkank hasn't been invited to the Giro, and, depending on you believe, either the race organizers are massively offended over the team's high-caliber bail-out for the idiotically-rescheduled Tour of California and still annoyed over Armstrong wanking about last year's (ultimately cut-down) Milano circuit, and Johan Bruyneel tweeting cyclingnews they never even wanted to go to the stupid thing anyway. Me, I'm just as happy not to see Armstrong's giant publicity-whore machine demean this perfect race *again*, but man, can't Johan give Levi and Klodi *some* Grand Tour glories to look forward to, unless you count (as I imagine someone does) their fetching Lance his chamois creme every morning the equivalent of their collective giant bucket of Grand Tour podium finishes goddammit?

Who the Hell is Sacha Modolo?: well, I didn't know, anyway, 'til I saw him come in a rather astonishing 4th in the fabulous Milano-Sanremo yesterday, but here's a link to this young pro's FACEBOOK FUNS CLUB and his very fine, if barely begun, palmares. I assume we'll be seeing a lot more of this kid, at least if he doesn't Ricco' himself out of the running?

Sanremo In Review: speaking of Milano-Sanremo, I might as well should've saved the trouble of grossly mis-calling the race yet again, as intermittent bodily trainwreck/tenacious dexter Oscar Freire not only correctly assessed his chances for the race, but also called out the entire podium as well. Only woof: that no-one'd attack about the end, and big points to Pippo Pozzato and Philippe Gilbert (and didja see Thor right up there with the leading group?) for throwing down the hammer and taking some risks. Better luck next year, Cav and Edvald!

Vai Paolo!: all right, even without his wily presence to shake things up in the peloton, the retired Paolo Bettini's still a god, and with the tragic death of national coach Franco Ballerini the squadra azzurra is still, naturally, rudderless, so let's hope the rumors that Bettini's gonna take control are true. Forza Paolo--and really, could Italian cycling do any better than him?

(Criterium) International Male: finally, we all know it blows that Jens isn't gonna be riding and inevitably winning Criterium Internationale this year, tho' as Lance and Alberto are facing off for the first time since Tour de France 2009, and aren't even particularly considered contenders, it's not like anyone's gonna actually report who wins it anyway. The down'n'dirty? According to Johan Bruyneel, our delicate flower Lance is still recovering from illness, which means (1) Lance is on form, and is gonna clobber him; (2) Lance is on form, and still can't clobber him, so Johan's looking for a gentler excuse than "he's just better than I am now" or (3) Lance isn't on form, and Johan really doesn't want a bunch of crap over it from stupid Americans who expect him to win every time and beeyotchy Euros who always hope he doesn't. Me, you can guess where I'm aiming, but anyhoo, in the spirit of good sportsmanship, I do want to wish--and I'm sure you will as well-- Lance a full and speedy recovery from what's ailing him--after all, when Contador kicks the crap out of you in July and you're truly on top of your game, what could be more satisfying than that?