Tuesday, May 20, 2008

What Is So Rare As A Day In June?

A Freakin' Ruling on the Iban Mayo Case, Before the Poor Sod Keels Over: as usual, our beloved defenders-o'-truth-and-justice over at trustbutverify are hot off the presses, this time with the report that, contrary to earlier rumors that had an actual verdict due on the 21st, only we love Iban Mayo's hearing was on today and an actual judgment as to whether no-one's ever gonna hire him again anyway no matter what CAS decides is due "sometime in June." Y'know, tempted as I am to hope that his inevitable jack-over gets egregiously delayed, considering how badly the boy hits the skids when he gets compliments like "you're the next Lance Armstrong," can these clods kindly not keep his fragile psyche in suspense for too long while he waits to be told the considerably less warm-n'-fuzzy "your career is over"? Aiiigggghhhhh!

Woo-hoo Klodi!: oh right, and that other guy, as stalwart baby Contador takes a handsome second in the key individual time time with a fractured elbow, yap, this brilliant youngster is gonna win 8 million Grand Tours and make Miguel Indurain look like a Cheeto-stuffed wind-sucking autobus-bound couch slug barely able to bloat off his Barcalounger for another beer, much less to victory, yap. But more importantly, woo-hoo Klodi! Just when I feared that all this "Klodi's gonna take it" talk was gonna freak out our reticent hero into truly Iban Mayo levels of admiration-driven incapacitation, Andreas blasts through to a thoroughly impressive third, which means that if Johan Bruyneel has a soul, he oughta hand over team leadership to Klodi and let him domestique Contador in the equally beautiful if even more more wrongfully scorned Vuelta instead. And was anyone else *so proud* of we love Gilberto Simoni, who I'd frankly assumed would just get irretrievably whacked in the first part of today's course, and with his 10th place is now well within a minute's time of Ricco' and Di Luca on GC? Forza Gibo, you fabulous crank--and don't count on spraying that champagne in Milan too soon, Danilo, especially if your lowly worker bee Savoldelli (still smashing despite his craptacular mechanical failure) has anything to say about it!

The Sissy-boy Slap-Fights Heat Up: meantime, the vicious verbal smackdowns that are the hallmark of any good Giro d'Italia are flaming along, this time with Andreas Kloden telling folks how he really feels about his compatriots, namely that Ricco', a talky little jerk, "isn't a champion," Patrik Sinkewitz' accusation that Kloden doped at T-Mobile is total crap, Ricco' and Rebellin don't have as many doping controls as he does, and as to CSF Navigare, late of Priamo's stage win, let's not even talk about *them* (tho' I imagine now CSF's pissed-off legal team is gonna make you talk, or pay), and while we're at it, Germany in its entirety can blow, because it's outrageous how the press coddled that weasel Ivan Basso while wringing Jan Ullrich's neck instead. Andreas does, however, like Italian food, and admires Di Luca, which oughta keep the tifosi at bay at least long enough for him to dash to the team bus before someone tries to defend their heroes and kick his !@#...good luck and stay safe, Klodi!

Thunder God Is Right, Baby!: so not only did we-love-and-everyone-underestimates Thor Hushovd take his second win of the season at the Volta a Cataluna prologue, but he's now taken his third win by snagging the day's sprint. Bennati, Cavendish, Robbie, Forster, Zabel--keep lookin' under your arms buddies, he's gonna zip off your wheels and whiz by your shiny spandex rumps at the Tour!

99 and 44/100% Pure: finally, one cannot help but note with utter shock and horror that Portuguese Continental squad LA-MSS, lately the home of such fine Op Puerto-linked dope hounds as Constantino Zaballo and Angel Vicioso, was raided just today by the local narcs on suspicion of "widespread" illegitimate hijinks. And after T-Mobile, Liberty Seguros and Astana (old Astana! old Astana! please don't sue me Johan!) had all restored my faith in this sport, I had honestly thought systemic team doping was just a long-gone relic of the dirty cheating amoral scumsucking '90s! Oh, my trusting heart's been broken yet again....

Darn Near Contemporaneous Update: wow, are Astana's lawyers on the ball, as before the ink was even dry on this post CSF's pit bulls swore legal vengeance on the loose-lipped Andreas and Klodi's already wisely apologized for being "misunderstood". That'll teach you to wank to the press again!

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