CSI: Moronothon

Who Iiiiiiiiiiiis It?: yes, after a remarkably quiet few months, it's the first doping poz of the season, as the UCI's 'biological passport' claims its first 'top rider,' and, rather shockingly for the same clowns who didn't bother to give Floyd Landis a wake-up call before the news was already splashed all over the newspapers, the smug little wankers aren't actually even press-whoring the name yet. UCI, though, has wasted no time crowing about how this is clearly a sign of a newly-spotless peloton, as anyone who even tries to pump up on the good stuff is inevitably going to go down in flames. Sure, we all know from the highly-effective purges of Op Puerto and last season that there couldn't be any dopers left in the gruppo, and that from the class-act monkey justice gifted to Floyd Landis and Iban Mayo that you've never been proven wrong yet! Anyhoo, it ain't Floyd Vino or Iban--any guesses? Oh, right, like you don't want to know too, you lurid vultures!

Ale-jet Down in Flames: and, it's official: Alessandro Petacchi, lately plagued by a serious of vicious respiratory problems after a smashing early season, has announced he's out of the Giro d'Italia, rendering his possible CAS suspension for a salbutamol OD utterly pointless, leaving the Milram train in the care of aged but brilliant backup stalwart Erik Zabel, and pretty much handing the points jersey to a finally-surging Robbie McEwen or, if his younger smack-talking Italian rival has anything to say about it, Daniele "Benna-Jet" Bennati. Damn, kid, can't you at least wait for the poor bastard to be busted into formal retirement before you co-opt even his nickname?

Klodi Coyote: well, yippee-ki-yay,!@#$%%^^^&&, as we love Andreas Kloden, finally emerging from months of illness, serious glumness, and a narc-pimping by former BFF/teammate Patrik Sinkewitz (looking for a new squad, by the way, if his teammates don't mind sharing the bus with someone likely to sell 'em down the river for personal amnesty), has surged to first in the Tour de Romandie time trial and, even more happily, the overall. Man, ASO, after this, Maxim Iglinsky's stage win, and Contador taking every possible race on the planet, isn't it about time you just sucked up the reality that Astana's history is no more disgusting than half the other teams you're inviting to ride and just let these boys race in France? Aiiiggggghhh, and allez allez Andreas! Oh, Klodi, if only you'd been best man at bawling golden-boy St. David Millar's wedding instead of the reviled Jan Ullrich's, you'd be prepping for yet another Tour podium today....

Career Corner: finally, for Jorg Jaksche, Jan Ullrich, and all you other poor, disgraced (did I mention poor?), unemployable exiles still reeling from the hard crash to the cold tarmac from glorious superstardom, I humbly suggest a way for you to regain your love of cycling, your pride, and (as any bike messenger could tell you) a fat, fat bank account: