Thursday, May 22, 2008

Umm...They're Doping to Accomplish *What* Exactly?

I Guess Those Creepy Bob Dole Ads Paid Off: as Gerolsteiner pulls Andrea Molleta from the Giro and then suspends him from the team as his dad is busted by the narcs in a doping raid, details begin to emerge about exactly what was found in the car: a unaffiliated amateur DS, a fridge, a passel of syringes containing a mystery liquid hidden in toothpaste tubes, and a pile of 80-odd tablets of Viagra. Now, this might *seem* to be a bit much for one rider, but it is a three week race after all, and fortunately as we know, systemic team doping is yesterday's news, so Gerolsteiner--unlike, say, Rabobank at last year's Tour--appears to be remaining comfortably in the warm embrace of the shiny clean peloton. Whew! Okay, it dilates the blood vessels, I get it...or are the race-tired Gerolsteiner boys merely looking to violate the hands-off rules regarding the podium babes?

Vai Gilberto!: and, as the gazzetta dello sport tifosi whack foreigner Klodi hard upside the head for daring to criticize even-they-admit-he's-rather-a-wank Riccardo Ricco', and the bodies continue to pound into the tarmac on wet roads as Paolo Bettini still searches desperately for his first win o' the season which he likely won't get (but then, I never count him out) in today's flat sprint finish, congrats to hardworking Simoni domestique Alessandro Bertolini and for Gibo letting him off the leash for a well-earned stage win, wisely conserving his own energy while DiLuca and Ricco' poked at each other half the day up the hillsides like quarrelling little brothers in the family minivan backseat. Forza Simoni!

Missing the Point: finally, as UCI continues to persecute riders it has only the most shoddily-handled monstrously crap cases against, it apparently managed yet another truly impressive screwup: by failing to answer some outstanding questions about blood-doping Vinokorouv lieutenant Andrei Kashechkin, the hands-tied Kazakh federation has cleared the boy to race effective immediately. Nice work, UCI--thank heavens we've got you there protecting the sport from cheating lying skanks! Meantime, trustbutverify reports that the low-key Floyd Landis has been out and about on the roads supporting charity, and that the boy can feel charitable towards anyone (except perhaps charitably like running over Pat "Dick" McQuaid with his bike at 35 miles an hour) is testament to his generosity and self-restraint. If he gathers eight thousand cameras around starts bawling and hugs every forlorn big-eyed tot in sight, Pat, can he get a new ProTour contract and a nice spokesman gig with UCI too?


Ali said...

What's questionable about that decision ? Everyone knows that a permanent erection is the ultimate performance enhancer when you're spending six hours a day for three weeks on a bicycle saddle - wearing figure hugging lycra.


Book 'em Danno !

whareagle said...

Do they make saddles for that? Somebody call Selle San Marco!