Why, You Lying Little !@#$%^!

Except, You're Actually Not: yep, in the wake of Michael Rasmussen's little claim that Rabobank knew exactly where he was the whole time they were "shocked" he wasn't in Mexico, Rabo's spokes-tool has been sheepishly forced to admit that indeed, they *did* in fact know where the Chicken was as he justly alleged--but boy, if that little climbing twerp didn't even set foot in Mexico as they thought he might have for a split second between jaunts to Italy, was the team ever right to fire his scrawny lying !@#! Still, they remained determined to bushwhack the boy with *something* apparently, as they snarkily don't intend to give Rasmussen their Top Secret Report until 9am the morning of the press conference. Um, and that changes that you knew where he was the whole time exactly how? Meantime, Pat "Dick" McQuaid--oblivious as always to his complete rewrite of recent, easily verifiable recorded history--has as usual been unable to resist weighing in, hollering that Rasmussen has "no place in cycling" and, what's more, UCI damn well ought to ban him for two years (to save face), as "a lie is no different from a positive doping test." Oh, please, you repugnant blowhard chest-thumping disingenuous dirtbags! Rabo--you needed him, you wanted him, you gave him a pass for the Grand Boucle even knowing what he was up to--wah, wah, you were busted, you've now copped to it, face the music already! Pat "Dick", you and UCI sure thought Rasmussen "belonged in cycling" when you let him ride & seize the maillot jaune in the Tour de France (and damn near let him schlep it to Paris) knowing full well he was bs'ing you about his whereabouts when you couldn't freakin' find him for his pre-Tour doping controls--wah, wah, we trusted to luck this wouldn't go public and wreck our otherwise nearly starless Tour just as fans and press started getting excited again--you bet wrong, now suck it up! Y'know, I'm not excusing what Rasmussen did--nor at all assuming that he was just attending to "marital issues" at the time, though I sincerely hope those clear up-- but it seems to me that while a lying-possibly-doping cheat is a pathetic dime-a-dozen in this beautiful disgraced cesspool of a sport, UCI and Rabobank's rank hypocrisy in the face of their obvious collusion in this travesty is even worse. Lucky for them though, CSC's fine expert has carefully studied the stage-by-stage Tour blood values Rasmussen released, and pronounced them "suspicious," so as one might predict, no matter how much Rabo and UCI did to enable this ridiculous farce, they're almost sure to escape anyone's notice, much less any actual culpability. Ugh. Anyone else tempted to offer a gigantic reward to anyone who forces these two-faced freaks to endure a tenth of the career-tanking penalties and public abuse they so happily heap on the riders?

Lanced: and, I see the massive gravity-suck of Lance Armstrong's ego has blotted out yet another of his selfless lieutenants, as Chechu Rubiera, who was smashingly capable of winning (and did indeed win) races in his own right before his Postal service ground him into the dust, incredibly finds himself without a contract for next year, and, what's worse, dragged down by his other jobless teammates (not to mention the many tainted goods still left over from Op Puerto in '06) as a surfeit of talent both gluts and cheapens the peloton. Yes, he's no toddling baby Contador--but he's proven this season that despite his creeping age he still has enough skill and power to be worth at least another year in the saddle. And this is his reward for being your total slave through the grinding agony of endless mountain stages for 5 consecutive Tour de Frances? Ditch that damn Olsen twin off your lap Lance, pay back the debts you owe your lowly ex-teammates, and get that faithful boy a job!