Sex, Lies, and (Thankfully No) Videotape

There's Bike Nuts, and Then There's Bike Nuts: BBC reports (I swear) that 51-year-old Robert Stewart, who was caught trying to, well, do the nasty with his bicycle, has, despite his initial claims that the incident was a mere "misunderstanding," plead guilty to sexually aggravated breach of the peace and been sentenced to three years probation and formal registration as a sex offender. According to the distinctly squicked-out sheriff, our perp was caught in flagrante delicto from the waist down engaging in an explicit act with his ride by two cleaning staff who had, after receiving no response to their knocks, entered his hotel love nest with their master key to clean it (no, I'm not even touching that one, you pervs). In response, Celeste Bianchi, Executive Director of Bicycles Incensed by Kinky Exploitation (BIKE) and herself the mother of two young cruisers, immediately announced the group's support of legislation preventing convicted bike sex offenders, regardless of the model year of the victim, from going within 1000 feet of bike shops, big-box stores, cul-de-sacs, and other locations where tricycles are likely to congregate.

The Blitz Begins: and, self-satisfied German crusader Markus Fothen has lammed into not only Paolo Bettini--blasting him as a disastrous role model for refusing to sign UCI's idiot virginity pledge then taking the World Championship on top of it--but also Patrik Sinkewitz and the luckless Jorg Jaksche (firmly dissed, to date, by both Gerolsteiner and Milram) for their disgusting contributions to the sport's destruction, to which Sinkewitz politely pointed out that such an attitude hardly encourages riders to be honest and help the fight against doping at least once they get caught, and Jaksche's camp less politely called bull!@#$ on the entirely sensible grounds that Fothen himself once tested positive for cortisone, not coincidentally in the days in which "fake medical certificates" for such things were easily obtained. Y'know, I'm grateful for any respite from the constant use of Jan Ullrich for target practice, but is there anyone in the German peloton outside maybe a couple of neo-pros and hopefully Jens Voigt who's really qualified to crack the whip on his (or her) fellows?

Tiii-iiime Is On My Side: with the Giro d'Italia lining up four bruising time trials for 2008, the Tours de France and California piling 'em on, and even Paris-Nice uncharacteristically starting off with a 9.3 kilometer race against the clock, it seems the big races may be favoring the likes of Cancellara, Zabriskie, Leipheimer (and fine, Millar, ugh) in the season ahead, good news for them but craptastic for wee little climbers like we love Carlos Sastre and Tour wonderboy Maurizio Soler. The exception? Naturally, the smashing Vuelta, which though quite defensive on the subject of this past year's undermountained corsa, has announced not only the return of the fearsome Angliru, but also a return to the endless leg-pulverizing climbs that traditionally separate the men from the Menchovs. Woo-hoo! In related news, to the relief of hype-stoking cycling journalists everywhere, evergreen Grand Tour also-ran Alejandro Valvderde sez he's backing off the beautiful spring Classics like Fleche-Wallone and Liege he's bagged of late in favor of a tighter focus on both the Tour and, happily, said Vuelta, in part to prep for the Olympics and Worlds. Venga Alejandro! If you can, that is, because...

World Dope Conference: yes, bitter outgoing WADA prez Dick "Dick" Pound and UCI's Pat "Dick" McQuaid have both taken the predictable opportunity of the current WADA conference to whine about Valverde yet *again* to both the general public and the Spanish sports minister, swearing they've got him this time and it's "far from over", except it is until those clannish protectionists quit crying about such piffles as fairness and cheap innuendo and let them yodel the evidence against him from the rooftops, though unfortunately they're "still gathering" it. Fine, he's Dr. Fuentes' dirty little secret protege, you still lost, get over it! And no, Iban Mayo doesn't count as a consolation prize, so layoff shoppin' for some hack who'll scam you a year-late backup positive on him while we're at it, you weasels!

Suit o' the Week: as a relieved Danilo DiLuca considers ambiguous feelers from Saunier Duval and more concrete proposals from the shameless Lampre and a couple of publicity-starved Continental squads, and two-time Giro god we love Paolo Savoldelli gets grossly wasted as he surprisingly signs with LPR (though he would've been hosed with Astana too--free Kloden!), Michael Rasmussen, whose talks with UCI today apparently didn't go so well, proclaimed Rabobank's protestations that they didn't know where he was in June 2006 "absurd" and, lacking anything better to do after all, announced his immediate intention to sue the bike shorts off just about everybody for everything, including both our aforementioned outfits. Even you *are* a sneaky little dirtbag, Chicken, you were *still* robbed of your Tour by baby Contador by the stupidity and avarice of Rabo and UCI--allez allez!