Rasmussen Speaks! (Not About What You're Really Interested In, Though)

Family Leave: yes, gazzetta's got today's press conference--staged as a preemptive strike to Rabobank's announcement of the results of its "internal report" of the Rasmussen scandal scheduled for next Monday--and the Chicken indeed lied to UCI and the trusting tifosi when he said he was in Mexico in June, when he was in fact, as hallway-monitor Davide Cassini rightly claimed, in Italy (as well as France). The reason for the deception that totally coincidentally allowed him to bail on a couple of key pre-Tour doping tests? None of your damn beeswax--enigmatically, he'll cop to lying for "marital reasons," but that's all you're gonna get you disgusting rumormongering salacious press scum, because he must protect his family at all costs. What's more, it's an "absurdity" that those hypocrite pigs at Rabobank kicked him out of the Tour when UCI freakishly waited til the third week in to bust him for stuff they knew perfectly well he'd done a month earlier, because whatever bull!@#$ Rabo's selling you now, they knew *exactly* where he was at every moment. And the obvious question? He ain't answerin' that either! Anyone else getting wee little Ivan Basso "I only attempted to dope" vibes here?

Money (That's What I Want): and, I see jobless-disgruntled-broke'n'desperate-ex-soigneur-to-the-stars Jeff d'Hont's written yet another book dope-smacking poor (literally, if you consider what he apparently paid to the fine Dr. Fuentes) Jan Ullrich, charging that our boy took EPO throughout 1996. Wait a minute...didn't retired Dutch racing legend Bo Hamburger just cop to using EPO in the 90s, and claim that "everyone else" did too, so in fact "there was a level playing field" anyway? He must mean "everyone" but Lance Armstrong. Anyhoo, in light of this revelation, and even assuming that D'Hont's telling the truth (not that it seems farfetched), did our innocent little Jan really do so wrong--or at least so wrong that he's the only star in his early 30s who ought to have his @#$ hissed out of the peloton?

Equivocating Wanker Quote o' The Day: Gerolsteiner manager Hans Michael Holczer on T-Mobile's organized doping being a like problem at his squad--"I can practicallly deny the possibility, but of course I can't guarantee it." What?! Please, please tell me this is merely a problem of halfwit translation (not mine--mine's Italian), and it hasn't really escaped this clown's notice that Gerolsteiner is *his own* !@#$ing team, so if there's a line of baby-blue riders outside a Gerolsteiner-reserved hotel room with a doc on hand and a passel of syringes replacing the mini liquor bottles in the little fridge, he and his lackeys're the ones most likely to have organized it? Damn, is there no limit to the free pass the DSes and managers get from this sport?!

Goldmine: yep, the gag is off, and forensic toxicology god/key Landis witness Bruce Goldberger is finally talking about the "garbage" work done by the French lab chimps, though unfortunately for Floyd the arbitrators apparently accepted that analysis and were really only persuaded by the B sample (itself a trainwreck of excruciating proportions). Still and all, our hero's at least got a man of impeccable reputation like we love Phil Liggett on his side defending his honor--I'm sure that makes up for having your career wrecked and your place in history completely destroyed by the brainless self-interested desperate hijinks of a pack of nimrod witchhunting incompetents!

Babes in Arms: finally, in non-doping news (jinx!--now I've done it, we're doomed!), as big George Hincapie takes his young mentee Craig Lewis over to T-Mobile from Slipstream, baby Giro podium wunderkind (and patient Tour de France prospect) Andy Schleck's apparently set to stick with CSC the next two seasons, along with his exceedingly talented big brother Frank, setting up a truly smashing lineup for the team for the foreseeable future with its other new addition, the utterly underrated Brad McGee. Okay, Bjarne's really been ticking me off of late--and I still think he's an @#$ for losing we love Dave Zabriskie and jacking Bobby Julich last Tour--but even I can be nice about some damn sensible other pickups. Allez Schlecks!