Monday, August 13, 2012

Tick-Tock, It's Five Days and Counting: The Vuelta a Espana Shapes Up!

Andale!: yep, forget that wussy little Tour de France and its pansy-!@# two mountain stages and its 8 gajillion nose-pickingly-dull flat-as-paper time trial kilometers--it's time for the fabulous Vuelta, suckers, and the real climbers'll be coming out to play! Out for blood: Alberto Contador, whose musette Bjarne Riis has stuffed with a surprisingly formidable squad of Alberto's most loyal minions; defending champ Juanjo Cobo, ready to prove he's not some middlin'-field one trick pony with the erratic Valverde at his disposal; the fabulous Euskaltel's Igor Anton (shut up! will too!); and, of course, Wiggins-beeyotch Chris Froome, free from the leaden weight of Brad's hipster sideburns in the heights to pursue a top spot of his own. Me, I'm hoping for Anton but rooting for Contador--if only to see Pat "Dick" McQuaid have to shake his hand!

If You Thought It Was Unsafe to Go to the Bathroom Before: then Tyler Hamilton oughta be even more afraid of encountering school-yard bully Lance Armstrong outside the ol' urinal now, because our snitch-happy tattle-tale is getting ready to release his autobiography, tentatively titled "Take That, You Pompous Lying Sack of Crap!" Not to be paranoid, Tyler, but you might wanna beef up that personal security--*someone's* comin' to toilet-paper your house in the dead of night now, that's for sure!

Don't Let Him Do It, Tommeke!: okay, Tom, we know that, like many more wary and experienced sprinters, yer backin' off the bone-breaking chaos at the line in favor of going mano-a-mano with the cobblestones you pound so fearlessly into submission, but let me say this--Quick Step treated you like !@#$ during your humbling comeback years, and if you let 'em successfully snare Mark Cavendish for next season, I guarantee you you're !@#$ed again. Do you *want* your impeccable Classics career blown by that ungrateful jerkwad Patrick "Better Riding Through Insults" Lefevere throwing all he's got at Cav's feet at your expense? No! Come on, Boonen, you still got *some* weight to throw around--hell, pawning a few broken pieces off yer ol' Lamborghini oughta raise at least a few euros to bribe some other DS to take 'im!

Finally, a Programming Note: next up: yer Official Vuelta a Espana Preview, and, it's the 2012 Vuelta a Espana Racejunkie Win Free Stuff Contest!

1 comment:

Trudgin said...

It's really annoying how u just say exactly what I'm thinking & shouting about every day at work to folk who really don't give a toss. Another great wee piece I don't want to see heroes like Boonen or Husholvd on a train for that snivelling wee sod. If he's the greatest he can live with equivalent lead out that the "old" boys manged to blow all our minds with .... Roll on marcel Kittel - there's a nice boy!!