My Fantasy Lance Armstrong Press Conference

Good afternoon. I've called you all here today to address the evil jealous bitter-betty success-hatin' tinfoil-hat-conspiracy doping-accusation witch-hunt with which WADA, USADA, YADA-YADA, Torquemada, and carne asada are unjustly persecuting the entirely innocent me at the expense of truth, justice, and my truly mind-bogglingly humongous ego.

Look, I did it. You know it; I know it; you-know-who sure as hell knows it; heck, even your damn guppy knows it! What's more, I lied about it, I covered it up, and I stopped at nothing to destroy anyone who said I did it. So why confess now, after years of half-!@#ed "I never tested positive" denials?

Well, first, I *was* a national hero, I *am* a national hero, and I'm always gonna *be* a national hero, so who gives what you peons think? By contrast, I have it on excellent authority that Travis Tygart is a communist, Marxist, socialist, fascist, daisy-pickin', vegetarian, peace-lovin', Sunday-nite-football-hatin', puppy-noogyin' elitist, and we all know how well-liked *they* are. You get it? NO-ONE IN AMERICA CARES. No one in America cares that I did it, and no-one in America *particularly* cares what a pack of snotty man-purse-wearing mineral-water-drinkin' Euro-weenies think, much less that random French-car-company guy named "Hinault" you all keep yappin' about. I mean, we kicked your !@# SEVEN TIMES at your own game--what else do we gotta prove? Burn!

Second, I've achieved all my personal objectives anyway. I won seven Tours, I exploited every ounce of every other human being in the sport necessary to do it, and, as a totally unexpected bonus, I made Tyler Hamilton and Floyd Landis, who completely betrayed me and my obvious natural superiority by deciding after years of loyal service not to be my beeyotch and pursue their own selfish careers, look like massive, monster tools. Not like they needed my help--ha-ha! Of course, once I heard George Hincapie and Dave Z might've ratted me out, I figured I'd better come clean just in case--I mean, everyone loves them, I'd look like a jerk, it'd be like slandering Bambi and the Easter Bunny, right?

Third, I'd like to point out all those saps can do at this point is *recommend* that I be stripped of my Tour titles and entire career results, and we all know how *that* one's gonna play out, suckers! I've made bazillions of dollars; I've done some genuinely good charity stuff for some really deserving people; you're still all too afraid of me to criticize me; I've bought some very expensive lab-equipment for some very influential--uh, nothin'! nothin'! I misspoke!; and, best of all, I had the most money to buy the best doctors, the best drugs, and the most comprehensive doping program, so I'm obviously smarter and more deserving than all those cheap-!@# B-list also-ran podium-crawling losers who were stupid enough to test positive during my reign of brilliance anyway. Nyeah-nyeah!

I'll now take questions from Frankie Andreu, Filippo Simeoni, and Greg LeMond. Ha-ha--NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!