Cycling Goes to War; or, Pat "Dick" McQuaid, Defender of Virtue

Except If He's Kissed Your !@# For the Last Decade, That Is: yes, folks, from WADA to USADA to UCI, cycling's now found itself in a grand conundrum: whether to look honestly if ashamedly at the problem of doping in the sport by one of its greatest heroes, a 7-time Tour de France winner, warrior against cancer, inspirational figure to millions, and blindly-adored national icon, or whether to look like a repulsive rump-nosing selectively-prosecuting obsequious hypocrite weasel toady so desperate to keep the fame it has won that it--well, he--will do damn near anything north of pimping his own grandma to protect the guy who donated huge wads of cash to his organization, provided him with a life-changing outlet for reflected personal glory, and, totally coincidentally, is alone among the team he minutely controlled in every detail in being clearly absolutely innocent of doing absolutely anything as an internationally-revered anti-doping-by-other-people's organization's completely objective investigation would inevitably determine. Wanna guess which route UCI president Pat "Dick" McQuaid has taken?

Look, I get the crap about "this is pointless so late in the game" and "everyone else did it anyway" and "who the hell's a !@#$in' Vino fan to take the high road on this?" But frankly, there's value for the sport--and more importantly, for less-flashy but still talented riders--in determining whether winning is even in part a luxury purchase for the most loaded and sophisticated buyer, and I'll take any cyclist who at least calls bull!@#$ on the favored-nations status of certain popularity-contest publicity sluts over a bunch of crocodile-tear-spewing whingers who dedicate themselves to policing everyone else's purity only after their own !@#es are forced to compete on a level playing field. So Pat, I beseech you--even if you really, truly wanted to--and let's face it, that's a big freakin' if--you can't evaluate Lance objectively. You can't even appear to, if you could. Because you courted him so relentlessly, your legacy is inextricably entwined with his, and there is no possible way on this earth you don't know that. Worse, you openly went after any rider who threatened you. USADA, at least, has been nothing but ripped to pieces for asking uncomfortable questions and is screwed no matter which way it comes out--so why not let it do its job?