Sunday, March 18, 2012

Yer Milano-Sanremo Debate: Jerk, or Jock?

Suck It, Fanboys: well, that's my call, because listening to all this bitching over how Simon Gerrans was a twerp for slurpin' off Cancellara's amazing engine only to naturally be able to pip him at the line is like refereeing a comic-con nerd-match over what total bull!@#$ it is that that brief flashy turn by Liv Tyler as the elf-chick in Lord of the Rings got way more play than like 18 consecutive Harry Potter franchises ever did that hardworking modest young lady who played Hermione. First, Gerrans had his reasons--if the break got caught, he had other work to do. Second, it's not like he was a Pat "Dick" about it--he acknowledged Fabian as the stronger guy, and just gave himself some credit for decent tactics and the total miracle he didn't get dropped a week before the finish. Third, if even Cancellara's not whining all over Europe, why be more righteously pissed off than he is? Anyhoo, let's let poor Gerrans enjoy his victory before blacklisting 'im from the history books--and hats off to Nibali for saving at least a podium spot for Italy!

Lightning Volt(a): and this week, there's a hot field for the smashing Volta a Catalunya, including Alejandro Valverde, Ivan Basso, Andy "No Reason To Panic, Uh, Yet" Schleck, Brad "Eat My Dust Shleckino" Wiggins, and, of course, Samuel Sanchez to make them all cry for black-and-orange mercy. On tap--an opening-day bone for the sprinters if they don't bonk to hell on the way, then pretty much 6 days of leg-whomping uphill tests-for-the-Tour. Aupa Euskalteeeeeeeeeeeellllllllllll--and Menchov, keep dreamin'!

Oh, No, I've Just Cut Out Desserts, Is All: whew, it's a good thing the entire peloton's too morally upright to dope anymore, except that guy who tested poz this week, 'cause that means there's no reason whatsoever for concern that there's yet another generation of undetectable EPO variants on the market, plus, as an added bonus, a much cheaper blood-vessel dilator that totally coincidentally turns everyone who takes it into 2-oz skeletal supermodel wraiths. Anyone else thinkin' more'n a few Nervous Nellies in the field are suddenly gonna start going on a truly pigtastic Ullrichian schnitzel-bender this week? Uh-oh, looks like *someone's* an early-adopter...

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