It's the Volta a Total Freakin' Carnage! and, Cav Snaps Out of It

Katushbag: yep, Mark Cavendish's finally defeated that horrible Diplomat Zombie that's devoured his brains this season, tweet-ripping into the bidon-tossing dipwad who took him out at Dwaars and demanding, not unreasonably, that said "dickhead" "get a license" before he's ever allowed on a bike again. I concur. Katusha-boy, you eejit, you're supposed to toss those drool-covered bottles on the side of the road as cherished souvenirs for the *fans*, not use 'em as in-peloton weaponry against yer rivals! Sadly, Cav's mood seems much improved today, but one can only hope that next time someone !@#$s with his sprint, he'll actively chomp through that guy's bike with his giant teeth and spit his cowering carcass full o' carbon shrapnel. Nice havin' you back, Mark--we missed you!

Wipeout: meantime, half the Grand Tour contenders, much less more humble sods, are already training-screwed from dents, fractures, and just plain frostbite incurred in the atrocious slop conditions at the normally peaceful Volta a Catalunya, with Basso jacked with a whanged knee, Jakob Fuglsang out with a busted hand, nice guy Julian Dean enjoying a snapped femur, and damn near everyone within earshot of a podium for May or July headin' for the safety of the team bus before a snow-truncated Stage 3 was even out. And dang, don't you *know* you don't let the delicate summer flowers at Euskaltel outside til it's time to put away their snowsuits for the season? Here, the glam side of cycling glory (look who!): Come back soon, everyone--in one piece, if you please!

Yer Contador Tweet o' the Week: finally, our wee hero Alberto Contador continues to power-noogie helpless nemesis Pat "Dick" McQuaid ahead of his inevitably-triumphant return to riding in August, posting evermore twit-pics of himself in training action, and, best of all, a photo of himself with his giant dog "Etna", named, touchingly, after one of his Giro d'Italia conquests. Keep it up, Alberto--remember, every time someone dope-smacks Pat "Dick", an angel gets its wings!