My Fantasy CAS Press Conference

Good morning. We're here today, in response to significant criticism and in contravention to our usual policies, to discuss the repeated delays in the verdict in the Alberto Contador matter. First, let us state that nothing is more important that a careful, thorough, and impeccably fair resolution of this case/covering our !@#es since we're gonna piss someone important off no matter what we decide. Therefore, we are extremely grateful to both sides in this matter for their meticulous compilation of evidence/piling us with so much obfuscating bullhockey we can justify damn near anything.

There are other controversies which bear addressing, as well. As to RadioSkank's allegations that Bjarne Riis attempted to bribe the panel by deliberately holding training camp in Israel, home to one of our judges, such claims are not only outrageous and baseless, but slanderous/it's not like he pulled a Lance Armstrong and donated a !@#$load of incredibly expensive dope-testing equipment to our own lab for Chrissakes. And while we sympathize with the public frustration over the lack of a reliable test for the presence of plasticizers, we hope you'll understand that it would be patently unjust to allow or consider suspect evidence/it was totally an accident when we had all the scientists involved in the project grabbed outta their offices by black-booted thugs bundled into unmarked vans driven forty-six hours to an obscure foreign port and stuffed into shipping containers bound for Tibet. Last but not least, with regard to the sport's zero-tolerance policy on clenbuterol, that is a policy decision best left to the medical experts to whom we must respectfully defer/whaddaya want, a !@#damn ticker-tape parade every time you clowns successfully snort some masking agent?

We understand the broader implications of this decision, as well. Of course, we realize it may bother some people that Mr. Contador is free to compete and win in the Tour de San Luis while this matter remains unresolved/this whole sport looks like !@#$ when some clen-sucking slimeball is allowed to make the undoped riders look like concrete-legged weaklings and the whole cycling world a disgusting sham because we're too wussy to cough up a verdict. It's especially important that cyclists provide wholesome role models for young children/exact parameters for what other cheats can expect to get away with. Still, it behooves us all to remember that no sacrifice is too great for the cause of justice/Andy Schleck still wouldn't have won that 2010 yellow jersey he's jonesin' for anyway. In conclusion, we hope this scandal will be a flashpoint for open, honest discussion about the nature of and necessity for truly clean competition/be completely forgotten by everyone as soon as we release that Sinkewitz decision we know you've all been so desperately waiting for. Until then, we greatly appreciate your patience, understanding, and passionate commitment to the truth/not openly laughing your nuts off at us. Thank you all, and you can take any future questions and !@#$ them !@#$% *&^% !@#$%!

Yer 2012 Tour Down Under Roundup

1. Andre Greipel: it ain't just "!@#$ races" anymore.

2. Stuey O'Grady: forget his riding, or his awesomely going all Terminator on his chauffeur--it's the masterful way he reminded everyone how Robbie McEwen once head-butted him in a sprint while praising him as a new teammate and best bud. Give that boy a prize!

3. Breakaway artist Will Clarke: So wiped out by his first ProTour win he couldn't even lift his arm to pimp his sponsor's logo at the line. Here's hoping it's the first of many!

4. Versus (oh wait, now it's NBC Sports) coverage: Thanks. Really. But !@#$, was I the only one completely discombobulated by the truncated coverage and total lack of buildup of suspense? Give Phil and Paul some !@#damn airtime!

5. Jens Voigt: The man could run around stealing candy from babies, stomping on daffodils, and slashing all the tires in the peloton, and he'd *still* be a god. Jens, please--do ride for one more year!

6. Alessandro Petacchi: that was one punk-!@# ricochet across the field there. Salbutamol affecting your balance lately, or what?

7. GreenEdge: maybe if Cadel went there, Thor Hushovd wouldn't be totally screwed at BMC. Irrelevant to the Tour Down Under? Sure, but who cares--free Thor!

8. UCI: Ya can't just say "hold it" for 6 hours. Logistics, people!

9. Simon Gerrans: waaaaaaaaaaay classier to Valverde than he had to be. Alejandro Valverde: waaaaaaaaaaaay smart not to draw more attention to himself with an overall win. Good work Movistar!

10. Mark Cavendish: no, he didn't ride, but man, fatherhood has made him *soft*. Complimenting Greipel on a job well done? What the hell is happening to you, Cav?

Well folks, them's mine--onto Rasmussen's eternal quest to get back his 2007 Tour from that rotten little thief Contador!

Valverde's Back...Uh, Anyone Else a Little Squicked Out By That?

"I Just Don't Believe It": yes, after several days of thrilling sprints, heroic breakaways, we love Oscar Freire's smashing face-whack to the ungrateful Rabobank, and some serious argy-bargy, notoriously unapologetic Op Puerto dirt-weasel/Spanish national hero Alejandro Valverde is back in rippin' form at the Santos Tour Down Under after his two-year, um, vacation, and, as even Alejandro verbalizes the same astonishment some of his compatriots must surely be feeling at his near-immediate win, Danny Pate is voicing his disgust on behalf of the peloton, tweeting "if this is the "new age" of cycling your name & superstar shouldn't be used in the same sentence when u r just back from a doping violation." Hey, David Millar's actually been back for quite a while, hasn't he, why pile on him all of a sudden? Anyhoo, here's the nail-bitin' return from exile:

Jens Gets Busted: no, not for that, you horrid monstrous slanderous heathen evil freaks--for, well, being rather in a state of in flagrante near the spectators, because sometimes, when nature calls, one just can't put it on hold. And hey, I get it--the thrilling sight o' Bobby Julich walking not an inch by me at the Giro into an orchard and the dawning understanding o'why was once just a bit too much for my delicate ladylike sensibilities to take. But !@#$, UCI, if you're gonna barbecue these poor bastards in 800 degree heat so they have to suck in a freakin' lake every ten minutes or vaporize into ash, ya can't (1) put up a few discreet roadside curtains or (2)cut 'em a little darn slack? Pat "Dick" McQuaid, get out yer wallet, you cheap bitter jerk, and hand Jens back his dough!

Look Who Else Is Back!: finally, Pat better get out the popcorn while he's at it, as thanks to CAS's relentlessly careful consideration of its verdict, his fave little elf Alberto Contador is ready to hit the tarmac at the Tour de San Luis. Enjoy it while it lasts, Alberto--then again, that might be til 2035 at the rate this shindig's going!

My Fantasy Alberto Contador Press Conference

Good morning. I've asked you all here today to discuss the Court of Arbitration for Sport's wise and just/outrageous and baseless decision that I will not/will serve a one-year ban for clenbuterol that I clearly ingested because some dirty Spanish rancher tainted my steak/my handlers were too stupid to test my pre-stored blood for this !@#$ before I shoved it back into my veins for the Tour.

First, I'd like to thank my fans for their unwavering belief in my innocence/total denial of how I became the Grand Tour-winning machine I am today. Next, I must sincerely express my gratitude to Bjarne Riis for his faithful support in the face of completely unfounded criticism/desperate if ill-fated attempt to bribe the Israeli judge on my behalf. I also want to reassure my sponsors that I will reward their trust with a trifecta victory in the Giro, the Tour, and the Vuelta this year/make sure as hell no-one can ever link them back to this scandal. To Cadel, Andy, and my other rivals, I promise to continue to compete with the highest standards of sportsmanship and honesty/coast along with you from now on while you struggle so I don't look like such an obviously cheating dirtball. Most of all, I would like to thank my brother Fran for pulling this miracle bunny outta the hat against all fairness, reasonableness, and odds/put a one million euro bounty on Fran's head for his catastrophic mismanagement and destruction of my life, career and legacy.

I understand that I unwittingly placed the sport of cycling in a difficult position by making the judges look like a pack of nutless pandering pansies, *again*/being the only Spaniard in the history of cycling ever to get busted for what we all usually do so skillfully. Therefore, in the spirit of reconciliation, I wish to swear once again on a stack o' Bibles how very, very committed I am to the eradication of all doping in the sport/the eradication of all doping in the sport by everyone but me.

It's been a very long year-and-a-half pursuing the path to clear my name/listening to that punk Schleck bitch and moan about how he would've kicked my !@# the whole time which we all know he couldn't do anyway. This has been an incredible victory for truth and justice over rumor and innuendo/a bone-crushing PR machine and batted eyelashes over truth and justice. It's now time to get back to work on my bicycle/spend the next twelve months in an undisclosed location adjusting my blood-value baseline for optimum performance when I return. In conclusion, I'd just like to say, "Bang, bang, mother!@#$ers!"

The Truth Shall Set You Free...So Long As You Issue a Bull!@#$ Apology For It

Breaking News!: yes, the Pat McQuaid kerfuffle is officially over: after rather undiplomatically calling out the UCI head honcho for treating women cyclists with that special admiration and respect typically afforded only to plague-boil-spreading medieval rodent vermin, HTC standout Chloe Hosking, flanked by a solemn contingent of Aussie cycling federation officials, team management, UCI bosses, and sponsor representatives, finally issued a formal apology today at a press conference in Sydney, Australia. Said a contrite Hosking, "I'm sincerely sorry for the pain, embarrassment, and difficulty that my thoughtless and impetuous comments caused my teammates, my squad, my country, and my sport. I should never have called Pat McQuaid a d!@k. I should have called him a c!@t." There Pat--all better!

Yer Cringe-Inducing Headline o' the Week: okay, forget newly-returned Alejandro Valverde's blistering and clearly crack-headed assertion that the Op Puerto narcs were at fault for causing his ban by correctly identifying the DNA in his dirty filthy dopey bloodbags, as opposed to him, y'know, cheating like a skank: what *really* oughta concern you about his shiny-clean return to the peloton is the headline "Valverde Expects Time Trial Improvement After Suspension." Uh, am I the only one who thinks this'd, well, look bad? Damn, Alejandro, do you *wanna* be stuck full o' holes as a colander every night? You served your time, now keep suckin' at the time trial for !@#$'s sake--and don't come bitchin' that we didn't warn you when you get your !@# yanked from the peloton *again*!

He Is the Champion, My Friends: finally, don't think I don't love you, Cav fans: in recognition of his Team Sky debut, and a disappointing lack of recent soft-core photos from the usual suspects, I bring you the dashing Manxman's first official team photo in his World Champion stripes: Enjoy--you too, Cav!